Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wednesday Weigh-In (week 11) ~ 224

This time last week it looked like I was headed for a big drop this week. I was super busy, walking and not eating. I think I had dropped three pounds between Wednesday and Friday. Then the weekend hit and I caved. I didn't give in to one little temptation. No. I ate crap all weekend long. I ate Jack-in -the-Box - no fries but I did enjoy a yummy Oreo milk shake at 780 calories. I just kept eating and eating. It was a little scary. I kept waiting for the Hubs to say something like, "Has Satan taken a stronghold over you because you seem to have lost your mind???????", but he didn't day say a word. He just watched me dish up my bowl of ice cream on Sunday night and smother it with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. Other than the ice cream, I don't even remember what I ate but I know it wasn't good. I do remember thinking that if I could come up with a miracle weight loss diet eating only ice cream, I'd be one happy millionaire.

Not surprisingly, Monday came and I had gained some poundage over the weekend. Bummer. So, back on the track (literally) I sprang and now, I am where I was this time last week.

I did go to see my doctor yesterday do review my most recent lab results and that was fairly rewarding. My bad cholesterol was down 30 points. My blood pressure was really low and my thyroid is now being over treated. My blood sugar is still borderline bad but I'm thinking that is going to improve. I convinced my doctor to not reduce my thyroid medication. I'm finally able to lose weight. Lowering my dosage would make it harder. She gave me 90 more days and if I test the same, she'll lower it. Here's to some serious weight loss over the next 90 days!

If you're wondering why everybody doesn't just pump up their thyroid in an attempt to lose weight and over medicate forever, it's not an unheard of idea. It's my understanding that it's done by a lot of people that need to be skinny for their professions. (ie. models and actresses) Unfortunately, it will mimic the effects of menopause and cause damage to organs and bone loss. Bummer.

I think that if I found time to write more, I could more easily avoid dietary breakdowns like last weekend. That was pretty ridiculous. Hopefully, I can redeem myself this week.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Wednesday Weigh-In (week 10) ~ 224

It's Thursday today, not Wednesday but I did weigh myself yesterday and I had lost a pound. It was a crazy day as so many are and there was no time to post or for that matter eat.

Here's a review of Wednesday:

5:30 - Take Midge to the pool and walk 3.5 miles while she swims.
7:00 -  Make the Big Guy's lunch, feed the girls, pack our lunches for the park and take a shower
7:45 - More little people arrive.
8:30 - Walk to the park (.75 miles) with the little people.
10:00 - Walk home (straight uphill) from the park & feed the girls a snack
10:45 - Leave for the little people's swimming lessons.
11:30 - Head to the water park with five kids in tow to meet other kids and watch them frolic.
3:00 - Arrive home and have give the girls pop cycles & then clean the girls up from the popsicles.
4:30 - Make dinner for the Big Guy and the girls.
5:00 - Head to church to help out with VBS.
8:45 -  Go home to get Bubba's sleeping bag so she can camp out on the field at church with Midge and their friends.
9:45 - Home & on the couch with the Big Guy only for a minute before I realize I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

Did I mention that it was 95 degrees yesterday?  Ahhh. This season of life will pass quickly and I will soon miss every busy minute of it........ but I WILL probably have more time to blog.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wednesday Weigh-In (week 9) ~ 225

I did it! I met my first goal and in doing so, I have lost ten percent of my original body weight. Cool beans, eh? Oddly, (not really) only two people have commented on this weight loss and one of them reads my blog. Whether it is twenty-five pounds or fifty probably doesn't much matter except to me. I am still fat and will be for a long time. That is what people see when they look at me - if they look at me, even the people that love me. I am sure that one day, people will just look up and notice. It will seem like it just happened and will not realize what a long process it will have been. It doesn't actually matter because I REALLY don't like attention of that nature. It's just an observation.

Twenty-five pounds in nine weeks is a good average. If I continue at the same pace, it will take forty weeks to lose 110 pounds. WOW. That does seem like a long road. That's okay. Right now, today, I am happy with what I have accomplished. Only thirty five pounds to lose until I reach my next goal. I do believe that could take us into October. Blah.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I'm still losing.............

My postings have faded to all but nothing but I haven't forgotten (or met) my goals. I did lose two pounds last week. I have been so busy running around with the girls that I have been too busy to eat, let alone blog, on some days. I used to laugh when people would say inane things like that but it's true. Instead of shoveling garbage into my mouth because I don't have time to think about it, I just keep going on with my day. (We did have steak for dinner tonight and I did eat way too much of it ....... and now I feel kind of sick.)

We have been walking to the park every morning, playing for a couple of hours and then walking the mile up hill home. It has been a great way to start our days and I think even Bubba might be shrinking her waist line a bit.

The warmer weather has significantly reduced the amount of clothing people are wearing. Whether at the park, grocery store or river, I will never understand how fatty's like myself, can feel comfortable showing the majority of their skin. Yuck! Gross! Stop it!!!!!!! It's going to make me anorexic or suicidal. Blah!

Until my next post, enjoy the sunshine, with your CLOTHES ON!!!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Wednesday Weigh-In (week 7) ~ 229

That's right! The number went up! Back off. Leave me alone. It wasn't me. It was someone else's fault ~ maybe yours.

Just kidding. I actually had a pretty good week. I'm  not sure why I didn't lose any weight. My legs are sore from exercise so maybe that has something to do with it. We did go out to eat for the first time in 106 meals. I had reached my domestic limit and the Hubs saw my anguish - yes, I made sure of that. So, after church, he suggested we go out to lunch. It was a wise suggestion on his part because there was really no telling what he would have been served at home. We went to Panera which is someplace we can usually eat at for about $40.00 and not feel gross after we leave because it was so greasy. I was excited to see that they have put the calorie counts for all of their menu items right next to the prices. It may have been a bit less exciting for the person behind me because I want to read the entire menu and then I want to analyze everything that my family has chosen. I like to suggest more healthful options and they always receive those options with such enthusiasm. (more entertainment for the person behind me) I don't even need the words on the menu any more. I can just decide what to eat by the numbers in the right hand column. I ordered half of the Asagio Beef sandwich and a cup of Black Bean soup for a whopping 410 calories. It was yummy and I was much happier after I ate lunch and didn't have to clean the kitchen.

I came upon the Mayo Clinic Diet this week. I don't know how old it is but it was being marketed as though it is fairly recent. It is definitely an 'eat less - move more' sort of plan. I only read a little bit of it on-line but it talked a lot about giving up 5 bad habits and gaining 5 good habits. Of the five bad habits, I remember two, eating in front of the television and eating out. We don't eat in front of the TV except when we have a special Family Movie Night or (more often) when the Hubs and I are watching something after the offspring have gone to bed. I don't really enjoy the first scenario but I am remorse to give up the second. I'm not sure if not eating out that is forever or just for the 'kick start' during the first two weeks of the program. The good habit that jumped off the page at me, was that I need to exercise one hour a day, everyday...... even when it's raining. Hmmm. Maybe I'll buy the book or maybe not. I have the feeling I have already read the key points.

The book that I really want to buy is, Eat This Not That. I saw a copy of the one about eating out at my sister-in-law's house and loved it. Some things in it were obvious but many weren't. In fact, it was how I knew what I was going to order even before I got to Panera. I don't think I will ever eat at Macaroni Grill again.

I have my first goal of losing ten percent of my original weight by Fathers day looming over me. Four pounds and four days to go. It's not really looking very good but it could happen, right?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wednesday Weigh-In (week 7) ~ 228


Not really a lot to say about that. I was really hoping to see a bigger drop this week.

 Losing weight often feels like an enormous amount of work for a very small return. 

 I'm glad that I didn't have a gain.

I'm hopeful for next week.......... and next year.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Dine-In or Dine-In?

I remember reading an article about five years ago about a growing problem with children that are involved in extra curricular sports getting fat. This obviously wasn't caused by the extra exercise that the participants were getting. No, it was caused by the fact that they ate out more........ and it was usually fast food that they ate. Whether it was dinner before or after practice, or lunch on the way to the game, they were eating on the go when they were rushed and hungry and so were their parents.

I remember the article ringing true, even though I read it before we had multiple sporting commitments, and it has entered my mind a few times over the years, as my own family's schedule has often raged out of control. Over the past few years, my family has eaten out more and more. Our evenings between the hours of 4:30 and 7:00 are dedicated to the girls' sports. Some evenings have two or more practices going on. Our days are busy and when practice comes to an end at 7:00, we often find ourselves with nothing planned for dinner, too tired to cook and really wanting some instant gratification.

Lunch isn't much different than dinner. I often find myself out with the girls, running errands and realizing that by the time I get home and make lunch, it will be almost time to leave for a practice. So, we stop and get lunch at Subway, where we enjoy too big of a sandwich with chips or worse, we do burgers and fries.

Between lunch and dinner, I was eating out about seven times a week. The Hubs was even worse off, eating lunch out every workday and usually one weekend day in addition to four dinners a week. Our kids weren't getting fat, but we were or at least we were staying fat - fat and poor. For my family to go out to dinner at an average sit-down restaurant costs us at least eighty dollars. I don't even want to try to figure out how much we were spending although I am sure that The Hubs could tell you the exact dollar amount. I'm sure that it was a ridiculous amount. Not only were we spending too much in restaurants but we also ended up having more food spoil at home because there wasn't any way to truly plan.

About six weeks ago, (when I started this blog) I decided that we wouldn't eat out any more, at all, ever, except Hallmark holidays and birthdays. I think the Hubs had urged us to cut back on the dining out many times but this had to be my decision. After all, I am the one that does all the cooking. So, in the past six weeks, I have made every meal and snack that has been consumed by my little nest dwellers. We ate out only one time on Mother's Day. No take-out or delivery either - just my scrumptious cooking.

I started with a weekly menu, that included all three meals and snacks. I pulled the recipes for all the dinners that I planned to make for the week and made my shopping list. I go grocery shopping once a week. I shop only for what is on the menu - no deviations or extra snack. Snacks have been planned for. I've learned that my family eats an incredible amount of food and that it costs my family of six plus two part timers about a grand to eat every month. Fruit alone, we go through a case of oranges, two bunches of bananas, twelve apples, three pounds of strawberries, two pounds of blueberries, two pounds of grapes and a watermelon in a week..

Most days I feel like I spend all of my time either cooking or planning what I am going to cook. There are days when my waking thought is, 'Can we please go out to eat after whatever?' but we have been steadfast. My kids seem to be adjusting. I see my kids stretching their palate a bit as well. they have never been super picky but there is always room for improvement with a child's eating habits. Only Little D sometimes asks to go out to eat and Bubba quickly lets her know that we don't do that because we're not a fun family anymore. I can relate to Bubba's words at times but most of the time I can see that our family's fun is just under going a make-over. There's a new fun. It is just a little harder to identify.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Wednesday Weigh-In (week 6) ~ 230

I'm certainly feeling like a pretty svelte 230 pound Fatty...... until I look in the mirror and see that I pretty much look the same. I think that my legs and my boobs (sorry honey) are smaller but as for the rest of me, not so much. It's hard to tell though because most of my pants have some elastic in the waste. Elastic is the big girl's best friend.

It's at the twenty pound mark that my head really starts playing some tricks on me. I start to feel smaller than I am (kind of like reverse anorexia) and I want to eat. I start to feel a bit entitled - after all, I did just lose twenty pounds! Not good. I am really close to my short term goal of losing ten percent of my body weight so hopefully I can keep that in mind and not have the second half of the cheeseburger that calls to me from the cutting board.

There haven't really been any huge challenges in the past week. I was able to dodge the rain drops and take a couple of really long walks. The weather has not been at all helpful though. We are supposed to have two inches of rain in the next three days. I'm simply not THAT motivated to walk. I'm sure that the sun will shine soon and I can start wearing out the soles of my shoes - which doesn't take long because they were designed for someone much smaller than I.

I've been baking a lot. It seems counter productive but some how it's been kind of therapeutic. It also cuts back on my children asking to ingest processed garbage. Last week I made pumpkin muffins, oatmeal peanut butter cookies and two cakes. One of the cakes was enhanced box mix and probably not very healthy and a major caloric bust. The second cake though, was a carrot cake with coconut, raisins, pineapple, walnuts, sweetened with honey and covered with cream cheese frosting made with real maple syrup instead of sugar. It was amazing. I think I could eat nothing but THAT cake for the rest of my life. I'm guessing that the carrot cake was also a caloric bust but at least it was nutritious....... and SO delicious.

Even more amazing than the carrot cake itself was the fact that even though part of me wanted to eat the entire cake, a stronger part of me didn't want to. Instead of cutting myself a medium size piece, followed by a smaller piece as I cleaned up the kitchen and then finishing with the remains on Little D's plate, I just had one small piece of cake.

I feel like I've come far but in reality, I could gain back what I've lost in a week. I have lost nearly one fifth of my final goal. If I continued to lose at the rate I have been losing, I could reach my end goal by Thanksgiving. That's not likely but maybe by Valentine's Day. That would be nice.

Monday, May 31, 2010


Midge received her nickname just after she began to walk. She always seemed to look like a little adult to me (kind of - not really)as she waddled about and thus received the name midget. I was a single mother for the first six years of her life. She was the center of my universe, the purpose behind all that I did, the focus of most all my thoughts and the cause of all my dreams. It's hard to balance the parent child relationship when you are the single parent of one child but I tried. The relationship that we share now, seven years after adding a dad and three siblings to our family is unique.

We are close as many mothers and daughters are but we also really like one another. Midge might actually like me more and believe in me more than anyone else that I know. I think that is a pretty unique way for a thirteen year old girl to feel about her mother. She is not perfect. She fights with her siblings and isn't always as empathetic as I would like to see her be with her peers. With me though, she always sees the best. I love this about her.

For the past few years, she has made several comments about my weight just being 'baby weight'. I have come to realize that this statement validates two wishes she undoubtedly has in her sub-conscience. The first wish being that my physical enormity is not actually caused by any fault of my own. The second being that the little additions to my nest are the real cause of my weight issue. I have tried to clear this up for my sweet girl by telling her with all certainty, that my weight was caused by my own gluttony. I hope she heard me.

All of my girls have at some time acknowledged my obesity and I think that they are all impacted by it in different ways. Midge is the most empathetic. She has sadly confessed to me that she can't remember what I looked like when I was thin. I know she wishes that she could remember a more active mom.

Midge has encouraged me whenever she thought there was a glimmer of hope that I might be ready to start losing weight. She has asked to walk with me at 5:00am. She has asked me about what I need to do and really tried to understand. I honestly believe that Midge is proud that I am her mom and that she's probably not embarrassed that her mom is hugely over weight. She does definitely want me to be happy though and I think she is sad that I am unable to do things that I love like swim and run. She worries about my health and is often concerned about my feelings.

Since I have started losing some weight, Midge has become involved in the effort. She reads this blog faithfully and follows up with questions. She is always respectful and kind but I know she REALLY wants me to succeed this time. She daydreams about all that we can do when I'm back to my 'pre-pregnancy weight'. We talk about running together and water skiing. We have been even talking about doing a triathlon next summer and I know that there's a part of her that probably hopes I can kick her booty like I keep saying I will.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Wednesday Weigh-In (week 5) ~ 233

It's funny how whenever I look at the scale, I say to myself 100 not 200. A bit of denial perhaps or maybe optimism. Hard to tell.

I'm glad I lost two pounds last week. I know that it's nothing to snarl at but I don't feel like I worked as hard as I could have. I didn't exercise at all. It has been raining the entire week and I couldn't bring myself to hang out with garage kitty and walk on the treadmill. The rain is supposed to stop for the next few days so hopefully I can walk a million miles and lose a hundred pounds or a few miles and five pounds. Either way, I'll be happy.

Even though I haven't lost ten percent of my weight yet, I am feeling better. Some of my physical maladies seem to have ceased or at least lessened. Sounds great, huh? It's not so great though because it weakens my sense of urgency. This past week, I have been way more likely to lick a spoon when I'm cooking or take a bite off my daughter's plate than I was in the prior weeks. Snitching extra food is a dieting disaster. Licking a batter laden spoon is probably 200 calories. If I'm trying to eat only 1,200 calories a day, I'm adding fifteen percent to my daily total just from that one moment of weakness. Major bummer..... and something that could have me right back at 250 pounds if I don't get it under control.

My song hasn't been in my head when I wake up in the morning. I usually have to do a mental search for it mid-morning as it is a reminder of my desire to change the way I think about food. Oddly, I have now listened to a couple of recorded versions of the song and my line, 'Take this heart and make it new' is nowhere in the song. It's would be a good summary of what the song is about but it's not actually in there. I don't know if I have been standing in church, singing the wrong words for years or if these were just the words that I needed and they were provided for me. If I've been singing the wrong words in church, I'll just go ahead and apologize now to anyone that may have been standing around me.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Swim with me.........

This is my family's idea of a good time. When we have a free afternoon, we love to go swimming and going somewhere with a big slide is an added bonus. I usually take lots of pictures of everyone having fun and enjoying one another. Today I realized that I would rather burden the Hubs, disappoint my children and scratch out my eyes than wear a bathing suit in public. It's a bummer because it also kills me to hide behind my camera and not actually be a part of their experience. I want to take every opportunity to play with my family and when it comes to playing, swimming is one of our passions.

I have two daughters that swim on swim teams and one that dreams about the day she will be old enough to join them. Between lessons and practices, I drive to our local swim center at least twice a day. I have spent endless hours and dollars making sure that my daughters are strong swimmers. It is sometimes painful to be the parents of swimmers. Swim centers in the Northwest are typically indoors. They are horridly hot, humid and after spending a few hours in one the chlorine permeates in my sinuses for hours. Competitions usually last entire weekends only to see my child swim for a total of six minutes.

So why on earth would I encourage a sport that is so nasty to spectate? I believe that children need to learn to swim in order to be safe. I grew up in Southern California and EVERYBODY (except my mother) learned to swim. I encourage competitive swimming because there isn't a sport with less injuries and a person can swim as long as they live. There are Master swimmers swimming in their eighties.

The biggest reason that I want my kids to swim though is because I loved it when I was a kid. I did hours and hours of lessons starting about the time I learned to walk. My grandmother took me everyday, year round. She never got in the pool with me. She simply endured being a spectator.(maybe she regretted that my mom never learned to love putting her face in the water) After lessons there were swim teams and water sports. I never could get enough of the water. I spent a few years of my childhood living on a lake and I would literally swim, canoe and ski every day that it was warm enough. I never wanted to lay in the sun next to the water, I wanted to float on the water.

There are lots of great water exercise classes for fat people not to mention that just swimming laps is doable for people that find their ability for aerobic activity limited. Unfortunately, there aren't any flattering bathing suits for the jumbo and I'm pretty sure that if I went swimming fully clothed it would draw unwanted attention to me.

Every summer our family goes to Sunriver Resort in Central Oregon. We play hard when we're there and the girls bike, ride horses, white water raft, hike, canoe and swim everyday. Some of those things I can do. Some I can't. I do pay for my entrance to the pool every afternoon so I can watch my family frolic and maybe capture a few memories with my Nikon. The Hubs and the girls ride their bikes to the pool with the littlest being pulled in a trailer behind the Hubs. I drive.

Last summer, a friend that was staying with us encouraged me to get over myself for the sake of my family and go buy a bathing suit. We drove into Bend and I went through the torture of trying on suits until the store closed and I quickly paid for the least disgusting one. I swam with my kids the next two afternoons. I tossed them, raced them, caught them and enjoyed them. I went down the slide and I kissed the Hubs in the deep end. I loved it all until I got out of the water and was faced with a big wet me. In actuality, facing myself was a very small price to pay. The girls still talk about my going swimming and today, I planned to endure those few moments of being left with a big wet me in order to be a part of their memory. I couldn't do it though. I couldn't bring myself to squeeze into the suit, walk by the mirror in the locker room and then catch the glances. Instead, I hid behind the camera and captured my family's memories that I won't be a part of.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Have you tried.........

As I have mentioned before, most people ignore that someone is fat ...... kind of. Fat is undeniable and it is impossible to not notice that someone is fat so people often ignore the entire person. Other times they talk around it. They ask things about working out or marathon running and I often wonder if they have looked at me at all. There are friends that do see me through loving eyes and probably feel a little sorry for me and make diet plan suggestions.

When I think of my dieting history, I think I have tried some version of just about every diet. (I am sure that I will get around to discussing most of those in the next fifty weeks) Some worked for the first few weeks and some didn't. Accountability is the biggest factor for me. I need to feel like a have a personal relationship with the person holding me accountable ..... like I do with my computer. I can't stay on a plan for very long that isn't using real food. All the prepackaged, precooked, predigested foods gross me out.

The last plan killer for me is plans that use numbers, codes and times. I don't want to count points for the next year and then need to learn to translate that to calories after the weight is lost. I don't want to try to figure out if it's okay to eat this food with that food or if I'm going to gain weight back because I ate something that took me out of ketosis. I don't believe highly publicized, commercial plans work in the long term......for the most part.

I am confident that eating less and moving more does work. Changing my lifestyle for a lifetime and not for just as long as it's affordable seems much more logical to me. I hear sensational stories all the time about people that lost forty pounds in a month or a hundred pounds in six months and some of them were never hungry. I think that if those stories are true and sustainable, those people have found the fountain of youth. In a country where more than fifty percent of people are overweight, those miraculous stories should be featured on the evening news and written up in the news paper but instead, the only time I hear a story like that in the media is in an advertisement.

I do have to admit that when someone says, "Why don't you try THAT plan? So and so lost fifty pounds on it last month." it stings a bit. Did they really lose fifty pounds? Could I lose more than ten pounds in a month and still have energy? Am I really sure about what I believe? Is there something else that I should do? Is there somewhere else I should cut back? What if? What if? What if?

Perhaps I should mull it over with a bowl of ice cream....... or not.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Wednesday Weigh In ~ 235

This has been a good week. Three pounds gone and I'm feeling pretty good. We were blessed with some great Spring weather over the weekend. I was able to take long walks with The Hubs, Midge and Bubba individually and then we went to the track in the evenings. I walked five miles on Saturday and was really sore but in a good way. I loved having the time with them to concentrate just on them while actually being out and moving. The weather has turned back to rain but I am so excited for summer to arrive!

I didn't have any huge dieting blunders and have been feeling pretty convicted. The Water Diet hasn't really worked out. I haven't remembered to sip 16oz of water before a single meal.

This is a normal day of eating right now.

Half & Half w/coffee - 200 calories
1c. Raisin Bran & 4oz. milk - 235 calories
1c. Homemade Beef Barley Soup - 300 calories
Orange - 70 calories
Bag of apple slices - 90 calories
Chicken & Veggie Stir Fry (no rice) - 400 calories

Total Calories - 1,295

Eating during the day is definitely easier than in the evening with my family. During the day, I can just eat the same thing every day and avoid variables. I make a pot of soup that lasts through the week and have that for lunch. If I have to eat on the go, I just fill a baggie with fresh veggies and have little 'togo' containers of Ranch to take along for an easy meal.

Dinner is a little trickier. I don't think anyone would tolerate the same meal every night for the next fifty weeks. For the most part I have been eating what I make for the family. I reduce my portion by half and if there is a starch, I don't have any or have very little. For instance, I would have pasta sauce with five pieces of penne instead of a bowl of pasta with sauce on top. If we have sandwiches during a softball game, I have half a sandwich. I get a lot of recipes from They provide the nutritional data for most of their recipes which is extremely helpful to me and I don't think I have made anything on the site that we haven't enjoyed.

Some days I work to cut things out so that I can have ice cream with The Hubs at the end of the day. He has been bringing a big bowl of Pub Mix to the couch, after the girls go to bed, for the last couple of nights and that is complete diet sabotage. It's unmeasured and addictive. I'm going to have to figure out how to avoid such a late in the day pitfall. Maybe I'll just go to bed. Sleep is good. Pub Mix is bad.

Monday, May 17, 2010

One Fish, Two Fish - Fat Fish, You Fish

A few days ago I was home alone with Little D, our four year-old. We were snuggling on the couch enjoying our time together when she announced that she was hungry. Little D is never hungry and never finishes a meal or snack so I jumped right up to go get her a nutritious and delicious snack. When we got to the kitchen, she said she wanted Goldfish. The little crackers shaped like fish are certainly delicious but not so nutritious. I poured her a little bowl of fishies and as I got her some water, she examined them closely. Her examination led to the following conversation.

"That's a fat one. I have one FAT FISH!", she exclaimed.

"Really? Is one bigger than the rest of them?", I responded.

"Yes. There is a fat fishy but YOU'RE not fat ..... just the fish is fat."

"Hmm. I am fat but it's not really a nice thing to say to someone and it might hurt their feelings"

"I heard my friend, Sara, tell her mom that. She said that you're fat. It made me sad."

Well, break my heart. I tried to ask her who Sara was but her explanation didn't make sense so I let it go.

We were alone again in the car a few days later and I decided to ask her about her friend again. Who was this girl and where did Little D know her from. Little D recalled our original conversation quickly. She told me that Sara lives by her grandma and that she is always very nice to her. She has long hair just like her oldest sister's but blonde. She likes to share her dolls and she thinks I'm fat.

Unfortunately, the Grandma that she refers to is pretend and manifested after my mother's death. Apparently Little D is creating an entire pretend community to love her as she feels she should be loved. Has my weight become such a huge thing in her little head that she has to create pretend people to work through her emotions?

I really have no idea where Little D's thoughts originated on this one. I do think that we should probably start saving for her counseling now.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Take this heart and make it new.......

Every morning for nearly two weeks now, I have woken up with these words, 'Take this heart and make it new' going through my head. It's from a song that I love but only this line plays and re-plays in my head and I love the entire song. This morning I felt compelled to really pick it apart and it's application to my life.

I've always thought of the words as a request to be a better person; change my heart and make it more like Christ. (It's a worship song if you're not familiar with it) This morning I started thinking about how much my heart has to change to lose weight. It's so easy to calculate, estimate and plan accordingly. If I eat this much for this long, I should reach my goal. Sticking to the plan isn't necessarily a matter of self control though. I think it's more a matter of submission.

I quit smoking twelve years ago. It was a birthday present to my now thirteen year old daughter. I had tried several times before and failed. Not realizing how hard it was going to be to quit, I ended up spending my daughter's birthday (and most of the following week)curled up on the couch. I cried a lot and tried to think of nothing because everything that came to mind could be associated with smoking. As time passed, the pain eased and I developed new habits. I gained sixty pounds.

It's a rare occurrence but I do still crave a cigarette every now and then. I know that if I have one, there is a good chance that I will smoke again. That's the deal with addiction. Once I cross a certain line, my head starts convoluting the reality of the situation. Instead of thinking I don't want to smoke because it's smelly, unhealthy and would undoubtedly lead to the end of my marriage, I start thinking about how I can have just one more and nobody would ever know.

I think I may have a similar relationship with food. I haven't been curled up in a ball, crying these last couple of weeks but I have definitely had some hard moments. I can see all the benefits of losing weight and I can plan with anticipation, but when I start thinking about that bowl of ice cream at night or I am faced with my daughter's half eaten yummy, I am literally anguished. So often I opt for that instant gratification.

There is no doubt that changing habits, quitting additions, facing our demons gets harder as we get older. Hopefully I will continue to wake every morning with this song in my head. Hopefully, I can submit and realize that my urges to indulge keep me from realizing my goal. Hopefully, I can remember when faced with temptation, that I not someone who can cheat just a little bit.

Take this heart and make it new..............

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Miracle Water Weight Loss

'Miracle Water Weight Loss' was what the headline at the grocery store read ...... or something like that. It was a cheap magazine and I figured it can't get any safer than water, so I'll take a look at what they have to say.

Apparently, the fine scientists at Va. Tech (or Va something) found that if I drink 16oz of water before you eat each meal I will lose twice as much weight than if I don't. Hmmm, really? My first thought was that 16oz of water before a meal would give me some nasty heartburn but then I read more. It said to sip the water. I never would have thought of that. I usually consume all things as quickly as possible.

It seems like all the water is going to do is make me feel fuller and thus stop eating off my piled-up plate sooner. If I have already cut my food supply down to very little and I have no recollection what feeling full is actually like, I can't imagine that drinking water before I eat is going to do much for me. In fact, it kind of seems like the water could dilute my stomach acid and make digestion harder but I'll try it. Maybe, I'll become the poster fatty for the Miracle Water Diet.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Weigh-In Wednesday

I only removed one pound last week but quite honestly, I'm glad that I didn't gain five. I did a lot of cooking and baking on Saturday and then we went out to dinner on Sunday. I did try to be good when I went out and shared an entree with Midge but I'm sure that I still consumed way more than I would have at home I haven't even counted calories since the weekend. I did come up with an awesome Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookie recipe. Mmmm, too good.

So, after my failure of a weight loss weekend, I carried it into my week. Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and found these multi grain sweet potato chips that somehow made it into my cart. They were kind of healthy as a chip goes but they were still 110 calories per serving and apparently the bag had six servings in it. They were soooo good ....... and now they're gone. 660 calories. Bummer.

I feel as though I was afforded some grace with the loss of that one pound so I am re-motivated and ready to work on some goals again. Goals are good. Something to work towards and then modify as needed, right?

The swimmers in our family have daily goals, short term goals and lifetime goals. Let's see what I can do with that.

Today's Goal: Eat less than 1,300 calories, walk and sleep...... and to not dream about Sweet Potato Chips.

Short Term Goal: Lose ten percent of my body weight before Father's Day. I recall my Doctor saying that once you knock off ten percent of your body weight, you begin reversing some of the ailments caused by being mongo huge. I may be totally remembering that wrong but it seems like a good goal. Thirteen more pounds in five weeks.

Intermediate Goal: Fall from the obesity demographic. That will happen when I hit 190 which is a total loss of sixty pounds. That will be like losing a Bubba (our 4'4 six year old) from my back.

Long Term Goal: To not be fat any more. Magic number = 160.

Ultimate Goal: To return to the premarriage weight of 140. That's a loss of 110 pounds. My five foot four thirteen year old weighs 110 pounds.

Okay. I feel motivated. Thirteen pounds in five weeks is doable .... painful but doable.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Eat less, exercise more & be sure to sleep well

I used to have a Nike t-shirt that was my very favorite to work out in. It was purple and listed about twenty things on it's back that one should do to achieve good health. One of those things was sleep. I remember liking that line and assumed that it must be true if the folks at Nike deemed it worthy of a t-shirt. At the time, getting enough sleep wasn't really a huge challenge and I usually clocked eight or nine hours in dreamland every night.

I started thinking about that shirt the other day when I was in the shower. There is definitely something to it. I know that when I am tired, I crave empty, yummy carbs to perk me up. Unfortunately, after the perk there is a drop and then I crave more empty, yummy carbs.

There is so much attention on carbs, calories, fiber, protein, exercise and even water but what about sleep? I did a little research and found that one night of sleep deprivation (less than six hours) impairs the body's ability to utilize glucose. This is the key hallmark of Type 2 Diabetes. Wow. Sleep deprivation also increases stress hormones, inflammation and a myriad of other things.

I know that since the hubs and I have become heavier, we don't sleep as well. We (he) snore and probably have some sleep apnea issues. We are both tired much of the time.

Keeping all this in mind, I'm thinking no treadmill ..... more sleep. Maybe I'll even try napping in the name of weight loss!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Well if she can do it..........

Bubba, our six year old, is pretty athletic and she will undoubtedly be six feet tall. The hubs and I often ponder what she might want to do athletically as she gets older and want to support her in whatever she chooses. He usually ends any conversation about Bubba and sports with, "She needs to be able to run." Why would he say this? Well, she is a little heavier than she should be and with every pound she gains, she likes running less. She's still just as coordinated as she always has been but she does NOT like to run. About a month ago he suggested that she should get on the treadmill in the morning before she starts her schoolwork. I wasn't at all enthusiastic about the idea and thought that it might borderline on child abuse. She's six! REALLY? So, I ignored the hubs.

Not only does the fact that she is only six years old seem to make the idea preposterous but we keep the treadmill in the garage. We also keep the broken stair stepper, the big weight lifting apparatus thing, seven bikes & helmets, scooters, balls, garden stuff, endless boxes of unknown and most likely unneeded stuff, shelves of I don't know what and the naughty cat. This is not a place that I want to hang out. In fact it's where I put the things I don't want to look at anymore. So, it seemed really wrong to tell my sweet little girl to go work up a sweat in it.

Bubba had no idea that the hubs and I had discussed the treadmill or that I was being defiant when she asked a couple of weeks ago if she could go walk on the treadmill. I ignored her request but she kept asking so on Monday I let her try it. I set her up and told her to try to walk fifteen minutes. I went out to check on her after twenty minutes and she didn't want to get off. SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FUN! SHE WANTED TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT GO FASTER!!!! So, I showed her how to control the speed and went back top my couch to work on planning the summer when what did I hear? A heard of elephants in the garage? No. I heard Bubba running on the treadmill. She ran / walked for another forty-five minutes before had to tell her to get off of the contraption in the garage. She has walked everyday since.

So, taking into consideration the fact that my little six year-old can get herself moving on the treadmill, I decided I should too. Day before yesterday, I walked for the first time in a long time. I only went for ten minutes and I walked a mile an hour slower than I did back when I walked all the time and two miles an hour slower than I used to run but I did it. I got on the stupid thing in the middle of the icky garage. Sadly, I was a little dizzy when I got off and that didn't seem like a good thing at all. I went back though - yesterday and today. It didn't kill me. Naughty kitty must not like all the action in his diggs. When I went to step on the belt this morning, I was confronted with a big pile of kitty vomit. Blah.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Weigh-In Wednesday

Ahhhh. I lost FIVE pounds last week. I have no idea where they went but when I checked in with my scale this morning, they weren't there. That means that I have lost TEN pounds all together!

I think that writing about being fat has made me more accountable. I feel very aware of my weight and what I am eating. Spending time thinking and writing have undoubtedly put me more in touch with my reality. I have started tracking all of the calories that I consume. I don't actually write down what foods that I eat. I just write their numbers on a piece of paper that I have on the desk in my kitchen. I have been trying to keep the daily total between 1200-1500. The biggest things that I have cut out would be my second cup of coffee warmed half-and-half in the morning and my favorite evening beverage. My headaches and general feeling of crappiness have ceased but I am still VERY tired at the end of the day. I wonder if I started walking if I would have increased or decreased energy at the end of the day.

I do feel better than I have been recently .....except for being tired. Instead of thinking every pain is probably caused by something terminal, I am spending more time thinking about losing weight and feeling good. It's a very long road. I hope that I don't get a flat tire.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Pervaisive Nature of Prejudice

A report was published today informing us that over weight kids are more likely to be bullied in school than other kids - 63% more likely to be exact. In the report, 45 percent of the 821 mothers, from ten sites around the U.S., reported that their school age child had been the victim of bullying. How well the child did in school or other areas did not seem to affect the risk factor of being over weight.

The study author Dr. Julie Lumeng, an assistant research scientist reported that one of the reasons she believes the findings were so consistent is that prejudice against overweight or obese people is "so pervasive that it's acceptable." But, she added, "Obesity is really complex. It's not all about willpower. It's a brain-based disorder, and I hope that message becomes clearer." The full study completed by Center for Human Growth and Development at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor will be published in the June 2010 Journal of Pediatric Medicine.

I am not surprised by the report but I am saddened. Fifty percent of American children are over weight or obese and it is somehow acceptable to discriminate against someone because of their weight. Since when is it okay to disciminate against anyone???? Kids learn this kind of behavior from their parents. What are we saying to make our children believe that it's okay to judge another kid by their weight? Skin color? gender? Religion? Really, what are we teaching our children about grace and love?

I wear my short comings on my rear end, chest and thighs. My weakness is easy to see and speculate about, but the fact of the matter is that everyone falls short of perfection. If a child is taught to be so critical of another child because of their weight, how will they deal with their own short comings? Will they internalize it and strive to appear perfect?

I was recently asked if I am an Angry Fat Person (AFP). It was a term I hadn't heard before that particular conversation. I don't think that I am. (although articles like the one referenced above can get me pretty volatile) If anything, I would say that I am a saddened fat person; perhaps just emotionally tired. I often feel like I am not included in events or wanted in many social situations because of how I look. I often tell myself that it's more likely that I not included because I am kind of a jerk but truth be told, I'm not a jerk. I WAS a much bigger jerk when I was thin ..... and I definitely judged someone for being fat when I was thin ...... and felt justified in my judgement because THEIR appearance repulsed me. Wow. That's certainly a harsh reality.

Carrying Around the Weight of the World

I am a pretty active person. I realize that probably doesn't work with the image that most people have of someone my size, but I am. I home school my kids, volunteer for their sports organizations (there are a lot of them) and I volunteer at our church for all sorts of things.

I sometimes have days that start at 6:00 and end at 10:00 where I might cook 18 meals for the people in my own house, shoot a few hoops with Bubba, make 3 trips to Costco (because I can be forgetful; go figure)and then cook, serve and organize dinner for two hundred people at the Bigs youth group. At the end of such a day, I am in PAIN. My legs burn. I want my feet removed. When that kind of day comes to an end, I just want to sit and be very still for a very long time. Do you know why I feel this way? I feel this way not only because the day is long but because all day long I am carrying 100 extra pounds.

Think about that for a minute. A lot of people can't carry 100 pounds up a flight of stairs. I carry it with me everywhere. I don't decide the easiest position to carry it in. It's just there.

I remember my doctor telling me that knee replacements have become much more common in young people because of the obesity epidemic. Makes sense. I know that I have had issues with my knees but they seemed to have lessened. I did start wearing Danskos which are the most expensive ugly shoes of all time. I think that they have helped with the all over pain as well as with the knees.

Anyway, I hate the pain that my weight brings me after I do the things that I love to do .............. but I have no intention of letting it hold me back more than it already does either.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I never get sick...

Until I try to cut calories and then BAM! It probably takes a ton of nutrients to keep me fighting off every virus that I come in contact with but I normally do NOT get sick. I might have a couple of hours when I think I'm about to drop like a fly but I always rebound. The kids get sick and the hubs gets sick and I get annoyed. In the last month, since I have cut back, I have been sick twice! I really, really don't like being sick mainl;y because I don't have time to curl up in a ball like I want to.

I'm kind of thinking it's the evil one attacking me where I'm weak. Did I mention that when I have a cold, I just want to eat. Not only do I want to eat but I want to eat junk. I don't get sick and want healthy food to strengthen my weakened body. No, I want ice cream and cookies ....... and a pizza would be nice. I'm going on the record right now. I rebuke you evil one. Go away and let me eat my rye crisp in peace.

I guess I had better stock up on cold medication in case that didn't do the trick.

For those of you that are thinking that I should reduce my calories and eat REALLY healthy so I get all of my nutritional needs met, it has been my experience that is impossible. It might work to maintain a desired weight but to lose weight, not so much. There are a couple of websites out there that where you can track everything you ingest and at the end of the day it will tell you what rate you will lose/gain weight and analyse your nutrient intake. I used one managed by the USDA for a few months. I can't remember if I lost any weight; so if I did lose weight, it was insignificant. I do remember becoming completely obsessed about trying to get enough fiber.

The hubs is really into lack of deprivation. He seems to think that dieting should be relatively painless. He say s things like "You should never cut out an entire food group" or "I can't handle doing anything extreme". I totally disagree. I completely indulged in order to reach the weight that I am at and I am probably supposed to feel discomfort from deprivation as I try to regain a healthy weight. I am an extreme person. I always have been. I want to feel like I am taking control and making a difference. Cutting out the chocolate sauce on my late night bowl of ice cream isn't the kind of change that is going to give me a feeling of accomplishment.

Who do you think is right? Oh. I should also point out that when the hubs was young and played football in college, he did do some of his own extreme dieting. In order to lose weight after the season was over, he would eat nothing but white rice and Snickers bars. Talk about giving up food groups to an extreme. That's just wacky.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Weigh-In Wednesday

244. That's 2 pounds less than last week. Hmmm. Two pounds is a lot when you're already skinny but when you're super sized, it's like an extra glass of water. It's simply not that significant. I think my weight can fluctuate a good seven pounds with the wind.

Significant or not, I'm relieved that it was down and not up. I think that since I have been writing about it, I have more aware of what I'm consuming. I haven't been writing everything down that I put in my mouth but I have been thinking about it a little more. Maybe I'll start tracking more seriously if this trend continues. There's nothing like losing weight to motivate you to lose more weight

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

And it's not your thyroid......

I worked with a nutritionist a few years back.(12 to be exact)During our first meeting she looked at me and said "Your weight is not caused by your thyroid". I guess she must have been asked about it a lot. I had never considered that there was any contributing factors besides my own gluttony so I accepted her declaration as fact.

For the most part, she (the nutritionist) was great. I can't remember her name but I met with her for about three minutes a week and paid her $40.00 a visit. She would glance over what I had eaten for the week, weigh me and send me on my way. It sounds like a little for a lot but she gave me the accountability that I needed and it cost enough that I wasn't about to cheat. I lost all of the weight that I gained during my first pregnancy in about six months. That's a little more than ten pounds a month. WOO HOO!

After Bubba (6) was born, I suffered some post partum depression. At the hub's insistence I went to the doctor. As it turned out my thyroid WAS all screwed up. It hasn't been under control since. There may have been short periods of time when it was but for the most part, not so much. A lot of it's uncontrolled condition is my own fault. Having blood drawn and going to the doctor all the time is a huge burden when you have lots of kids. Little D(4)loves sitting on my lap while the backwards shot pulls the blood out of my arm but it's really not so fun for me. Bubba has plans to become a doctor someday which may have stemmed from out frequent visits. Having my blood drawn with an audience isn't even the worst part. Actually having a conversation with the doctor that won't leave my kids fearful of my mortality or thinking that I'm an idiot because I'm not taking the care that I should is a much bigger challenge. So yes, thyroid is a factor in my weight. It can be controlled simply by taking a pill but sometimes getting the pill is harder than swallowing it.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

And the due date is.....

NEVER!!!! I was helping out in the Sunday school at my church this morning and yes, the dreaded assumption was made. The woman in charge of organizing the helpers was telling us where to go when some poor man asked for the last space with a chair because of his bad back.She apologized to him and said "Sorry. I have to give the chair to the pregnant lady." AHHHHHHHH!!! I pretty much could have died right there. The hunched over chairless volunteer knew I wasn't pregnant but seriously, what could he say? So, with my face bright red, I patted my belly and said 'thanks'.

I guess it's surprising that people don't say things like this everyday. I weigh at least 20 pounds more than I did on any of my delivery dates.

What's even worse is that the woman that made this grevious error actually knows the hubs much better than she knows me (which is obviously not very well). It was because of this that I had to let him know that if asked, I'm due in June.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Serious Stuff Sister

First of all, I need to make very clear that I am aware of the health risks associated with being obese. I fully realize that my risk for heart disease, cancer, diabetes, infertility, depression and a plethora of other horrible things is increased because I am fat. I could never make light of that. I see my doctor with some frequency because I am terrified with every pain, strain, bump and lump. I usually feel as though my days are numbered because I am so aware of the risks of being fat.

That said, let's also establish that I didn't intend to supersize myself. I was itty bitty for much of my life. I used to run mile after mile. I loved my hours at the gym and a break in my day meant going for a walk but that changed. Babies, finances, priorities all have had an impact on my lifestyle and my weight. So here I am at 41, a wife, a stay at home mom of 3, step-mom to 1, nanny to a couple, sometimes photographer and volunteer for everything. I do love my life. I just hate being fat. Do you have something in your life that you wish wasn't there?