Monday, December 12, 2011

Swim Meet Weekend

Spending twenty-four hours at a pool in one weekend can really only be described as painful, really, really, really painful. It's the kind of painful that makes you wonder if you are going to be able to stand after you finally sit. It's the kind of painful that makes everything else seem a little surreal after you finally leave the swim center. But four times of year, the girls' swim team hosts a meet and I run concessions and ultimately endure the pain out of love and duty.

This past weekend was probably the hardest meet we have ever hosted which actually may have been a good thing because I was so painfully incoherent last night that I went to bed at 8:00 and slept ten and a half hours. I woke up feeling great!! I probably feel better than I did before the meet started! Last swim meet took me a good week to recover from

No weight gained..... maybe even a little lost and I plan to work out this afternoon. Woo hoo. Here's to sleep!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

To obsess or not to obsess?

Yes. that is the question.

I lost weight over the week of Thanksgiving. Three pounds. I worked out four days and was totally aware of everything I ingested. I worried before my family arrived. I blogged. I planned. I made myself very aware of potential pitfalls and planned for small indulgences. I lost three pounds.

The following week, the Hubs went to Japan. I had three, sometimes four kiddos with daily activities and a huge volunteer deadline looming over me for the upcoming weekend. I gained five pounds. I didn't spend the week eating junk but I wasn't thinking through every snack and meal. I didn't drink enough water. I didn't sleep enough. I didn't exercise enough. I didn't spend enough time thinking about my objective. I didn't obsess.

The Hubs is home now and the weight seems to have gone back down so it was mainly water. If I had continued on though, the weight would have stayed and I would have continued to gain. This brings me to my question. Is obsessing constantly over how you are taking care of your body, the only way to have a major weight loss? I know what I think but I often hear people saying that they won't do anything drastic. Or that they would never eliminate a food group. I've heard people say that they can't deviate their diets because of the stress it puts one their families. Friends have said that don't think it's healthy to be hungry. I remember a friend saying that she couldn't obsess about losing weight and my agreeing with her. She didn't have time for it to take that much of her life up. It all makes sense if you listen to the words just right but here's the deal.

Gaining a hundred pounds was drastic. The eating habits that got me to where I am today were nothing short of extreme. Yes, I have a thyroid problem and my metabolism is not what it once was but that is a direct result of  my weight gain. Balance is great and if I had always been able to maintain balance, my body wouldn't be getting sick from certain foods. The fact that I gorged on sugars and carbs has made my body attack itself and now I am better without them. (of course I believe we'd all be better off without simple carbs but I alays think everyone should be doing what I'm doing) Hunger pains last for eleven minutes and can usually be alleviated with a glass of water. When I wasn't obsessing about losing weight, I was fairly obsessed about my mortality. I spent countless moments each day thinking about what was causing my headaches, side aches or bloody noses. I would think about what my children were leaning from me. I would think each day about all that I couldn't do with my family. I obsessed about my largesqueness,

So, when I weigh the pros and cons on obsessing about my losing weight, I have to say that obsession  seems to be the wise choice........

Sunday, November 27, 2011


Disclaimer: I love my friend that I am posting about.

Monday morning I stopped by one of my very favorite friend's houses to pick up the beautiful center piece she made me for Thanksgiving. I hadn't seen her in a while but I didn't really think she would notice that I have lost weight. We've been friends for a lot of years and it wouldn't be like her to notice.

When I got there she was getting her hair done. We use the same gal. We were chatting as she got her hair done and they started talking about the diet my friend, D.,  has been on. they both said it was AMAZING and that D. had shrunk quickly. Mind you, I have never seen D. bigger than a size four and she is usually smaller than that. She has always exercised and has done every diet and fast known to man.

When I asked what the diet was, D. responded that it is called the Superhuman Diet. I have since looked up the Superhuman Diet online and couldn't find it but here's is the gist of it. Eat only veggies and lean protein and nothing processed...... except for one Diet Coke a day. Now fruit, dairy or grains. The biggest dealio though is that you have to take a cold shower twice a day. Apparently, the cold shower is horrific. I can imagine.

I've lost close to thirty-five pounds. I do eat dairy and fruit....... no grains, but warm showers. I really love my warm showers. Hmmm, but nobody asked about what I'm eating. Pretty sure that I am sometimes completely invisible.

Monday, November 21, 2011

225 again....

I think it's been less than twelve hours since I said I probably wouldn't post again until after Thanksgiving but here I am anyway! I got on the scale this morning and I had finally reached 225 again. A few things are going through my mind as I hit this milestone weight.

First, it's probably not as big of a milestone as the last time I hit it. I had creeped past 250 pounds so 25 pounds is no longer a ten percent weight loss. It's more than ten percent which is a good thing but it doesn't really feel good because it means that I had gained even more weight over the past couple of years.

It's been a year and a half since I last weighed 225. It was when I reached this goal before that I cheated once, twice, a million times before it wasn't cheating any more. I read yesterday that it takes our bodies about a year to recover from dieting. Calorie restriction leads to our metabolism getting all wacky and that the urge to gorge intensifies after a little slip. Seems about right, doesn't it?

Quite honestly, I probably weighed 220-225 when D. was born so I haven't weighed less than this in five and a half years. That's a tad intimidating. So now I face the food holiday armed with the knowledge that I am at a historically weak point. If I want to be successful, this is not a good time to have sausage dressing, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie with a mountain of whipped cream on top!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

best diet tip ever...........

I am a fan of the Nutrition Diva on Facebook and if you're not you should be. She rocks. Always makes sense and calls things out the way they are not what the medical community or government wants you to believe. I haven't read any of her books or listened to her podcasts but I find the articles and research information that she posts on Facebook interesting.

I just scoured her page looking for an article that I read last week about ho we lose weight evenly throughout our body and the shape we are fat is the same shape we are skinny except on a different scale. There are always exercises or routines touted to shrink a certain spot but the truth is, the only way to shrink a specific spot more than others is to have it surgically removed. Anyway, I couldn't find that article but I found another with the best advice I have ever heard.

The trick to losing weight is to start at the finish line. Or in other words start with the end in mind. First you have to think about why you want to lose weight and what you will do when the weight is lost. How will you maintain your weight loss? What will you eat? I know that my goal weight is 140 pounds. To maintain that, I will have to eat between 1,800 and 2,100 calories a day and exercise 4-5 hours a week with moderate intensity. I can imagine myself having yogurt and blueberries every morning, a salad for lunch and a protein, veggies and fruit for dinner with a delightful bowl of ice cream for dessert after my kiddos have gone to bed. I can totally do all of this now. I imagine myself running three miles a day and swimming a couple of times a week as well. I think Zumba would be fun. I can't run yet. At least not very far. I made it about a block today but I can swim and I can try Zumba.

I guess it's really just another twist on the 'not a diet but a lifestyle change' line but it seemed to work better for me.\

Happy Thanksgiving. I doubt I'll write again before the big diet buster day. I am thankful for so many things but this year I am going to really focus on my ability to make choices. I am thankful that I can choose not to eat myself to oblivion and still enjoy the holiday with my family.

Monday, November 14, 2011

And now the holidays are among us.....

I haven't written in a while. It took me until last week to start working out again. I did make it five days last week but my headaches had started again. I guess I hadn't cured my diabetes. Go figure. Anyway, the headache has subsided, no bloody noses and my weight is down ever so modestly but now the holidays are here.

Thanksgiving is next week. I wish it was just a 'skip a dessert and all is good' sort of day but it's not. It's a carboholics nightmare.... or dream depending where you are in your addiction. Just preparing the food (and tasting it to make sure it's palatable) could probably throw me into a coma. From the traditional sausage stuffing that I have over indulged in every year of my life to the brandy spiked sweet potato casserole, it's as if there is danger lurking in every calorie. Not to mention all of the snacks. Good grief. I should just have it catered and then fake the flu so I can stay in  my bed. I suggested to my brother, that visits with his family every year at Thanksgiving, that we should rebel and grill fillet mignon along with mashed potatoes (which I can easily skip and my sister-in-law likes to make) and green beans, He didn't go for it. I was kind of surprised. Does anyone really even like the traditional all labor intensive Thanksgiving meal? Seriously, if you were in a restaurant with a full menu and roasted turkey with mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, dressing, cranberry sauce, gravy and a roll was on the menu, would you choose it over steak? I think not! That's why it's not on the menu. I guess with the traditional meal, I can be thankful for the fact that I survived it's preparation and that we have lots of kids to do the dishes.

I'd really like to lose another 17 pounds by the end of the year so that in itself should keep me from too much risk to my health. I so, so, so want to be below 200 pounds by my birthday. It's a long shot at this point but I still want it enough to work for it.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

So not good.....

I haven't worked out in five days. The girls had a swim meet this past weekend and I couldn't make it work. On Monday I was just soooo tired and I digress from there. I haven't broken my diet but I'm not feeling so great and this morning I got the mother of all bloody noses. It did seem to alleviate some pressure from my ear but I'm sure my doctor would say that's impossible. Hmmm.

I must work out today........

Monday, October 24, 2011

Missing Her

Today would have been my mother's 77th birthday. I miss her so much that I don't think I will ever feel complete again. I don't really ever get to talk about the hollow feeling I often have since she died because quite honestly, I am not that close to any of my friends any more. It's kind of ironic since before her death, she made it quite known when I was spending too much time with my friends and not enough with her. (Yes. I was in my late thirties but she was lonely after my dad died and rather vocal about my obligation to fill her void.) I could share things with her that I couldn't with anyone else. Her love was unconditional. Those words mean so much more when it's gone.

She so hated that I was fat. I've probably talked about this before. It was one of the only things that I couldn't talk to her about because she showed no grace or mercy. She was painfully critical which was funny because she had gained some weight in her forties and beyond. The day she died, I remember asking her how she could leave before I was skinny again. It was that important to her. Granted, she was unconscious so I guess that question will have to go unanswered.

A little more irony, she died five years after being diagnosed with Diabetes. She died from a few different things, mainly pulmonary issues, but she couldn't have survived any operation because her liver was so severely damaged.

Happy birthday mother. I miss you so. As I sit here, I am looking at your picture with Midge when she was about five years old........ at her papa's memorial service. I wish you could see her now. She's lovely. We'll talk about you tonight. I will cry. We all will laugh at things you may or may not have found humorous. I will skip the chocolate cake in your honor. Cheers Mumzy.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

So I went back to the doctor.....

I went in on Thursday morning to get the results of my blood draw. I guess it was a good visit but I wouldn't say that I left all warm and fuzzy. My blood sugar is under control but my liver function test were not good and showed no improvement from before.

I have had a CAT scan on my liver (four years ago) and an ultra sound two years ago. I know that I have fat on my liver and that I am at risk for Fatty Liver Disease. Yes..... that's really what it's called. There's Fatty Liver Disease brought on by alcohol consumption or it can be caused by obesity. I almost never drink and I haven't drunk in excess for fifteen years so it's obviously because of my girth. I don't really understand if it will go away as I lose weight and I will heal or if I have a problem that I won't be able to will away.

My doctor did seem pretty concerned. She reviewed my chart more than she ever has before and was about to order an ultra sound but decided to wait another 60-90 days. I totally love a challenge but I don't see how there will be improvement if there wasn't in the past thirty days of my stellar behavior.

On a total side note. I get a little excited thinking about going back in thirty days because I should be under 200 pounds. Can you imagine? Of course you can. It's pretty hard for me though. It's been six years. It's fun to think about but really I can't imagine losing all of that off my body any more than I can imagine having gained it.

My doctor was pretty clear to let me know that working out half an hour six times a week is not going to be enough and that I have to be doing a full hour of cardio four times a week. That was a bummer. Now I have to find something. I don't know what yet. She thought I should start running. That really doesn't seem like a safe prospect to me. I would probably knock myself out with some body part bouncing out of place. It would not be good. Not good at all.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

First benefit of shrinking

I went to church today without the hubs and decided to sit somewhere besides our normal spot. Our church has a big auditorium with stadium seating. We usually sit in one of the first few rows for several reasons. One is that it helps make the church seem a little smaller and more personal. Another reason is that the seats are larger in the front rows and get smaller the further back you wander.

Today, I sat in one of the smaller seats.................. and I didn't pour into the next seat! I could barely sit in the larger chairs a month ago without getting too warm and feeling like I was way too close to the person in the next seat which was usually the hubs. I always loved when one of the Littles stayed in service so I could sit next to her and get some air space. I sat next to a stranger today and was pleased not to make contact or feel like she was leaning away from me. Woo Hoo!

I weighed in at Curves yesterday and was measured. I didn't do it at the beginning of the month so the calculations are mine, not there's, but I have lost fifteen pounds and five inches off my waist since I started on August 24th. That does give me a little extra room in the chair. I just noticed last week that on the wall at the Curves I attend, there is a list of the Top 10 Losers for every month. I realize that this probably isn't meant to be a competition (or maybe it is) but I can find motivation in most competitions so I will definitely be benefiting from this one! I fully intend to be at the top of that list for the next nine months.

I am going in for my blood draw tomorrow morning. I'm praying with all my heart that all of my numbers show improvement and that I don't need to go on medications.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A month since the doctor called...

Yesterday marked one month since the doctor called to let me know I have trashed my body to the point of near death and that the food I consumed was poisoning me. Not to sound dramatic but that was what I heard and so much worse. I am working through the guilt of what I have done to myself. I have worked out at least five days of every week since and have only had two moments of dietary weakness. The most obvious result has been that I lost ten pounds. There have been less obvious results as well. Digestive issues that have plagued me for years have completely gone away. A sebaceous cyst that was inflamed and torturous a month ago is all but gone. I have more energy. Probably most importantly, I am hopeful. Instead of spending my days thinking of all the things going wrong with my body, I think of how much I can do to heal myself and how life will be this time next year.

My body is tired and sore despite having more energy. I eat more veggies than you can imagine but at this moment, it's all good.

I am going to wait another week until I get my blood tested. Please Lord, let my blood sugar be lower. Please.

Friday, September 2, 2011

What is Inflamation???

'Inflamation' has become a buzz word - not one that I have ever heard my doctor actually use but one that I have seen a lot of books and articles written about in the past couple of years. A few months ago, I had a biopsy on a weird looking thing on my arm. The pathology report came back stating that there was no cancer but the tissue was inflamed? I just went with the 'no cancer' part of the finding and ignored the rest a did my doctor.

So what is inflammation and if it's such a big deal, why isn't my doctor talking about it?

Inflammation is a process by which the body’s white blood cells and chemicals protect us from infection and foreign substances such as bacteria and viruses.

Chronic inflammation is caused by the body’s defense system inappropriately triggering an inflammatory response when there are no foreign substances to fight off. The body’s normally protective immune system causes damage to its own tissues.

The causes of inflammation are just what you would think, diet, weight and inactivity.

Over this past week, I may have only lost seven pounds but my face, feet and belly (and probably the rest of me too but those are the areas I noticed) have lost their puffiness. I have probably lost four inches off of my middle. Is that because I have lost a bunch of water weight or because the inflammation has gone down? Is inflammation visible? I just don't know

I guess I am pleased either way. From what I have read, I am definitely eating an anti-inflammatory diet. I hope it's working.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A Week Has Passed

It was a week ago today that I found out I was Diabetic. It's been a week of adaptations, changes and a little depression but overall, it's all been for the best.

After my painful walk with the teenager, I realized that was something I would not be able to maintain for long. It hurt and I'm not one to do outdoor activities in crappy weather. We do own a really nice treadmill but it's in the garage and I don't like being in the garage for more than the minute it takes to leave the house. So, committing to the treadmill for the winter would be like setting myself up for failure. Nope, the whole walking thing, undoubtedly the easiest exercise known to man, was too hard for me to manage. That's when I thought of Curves.

I hopped on their website and saw a pass for a free week. When I got there the next day, I remembered that I had used a Free Week Pass at another location a few years back. I hadn't joined because I didn't think I could afford it. With this in my head, I did begin to worry. It didn't say anywhere on the website what the cost was. I did my first free workout. It was totally doable and my heart rate was elevated for the full thirty minutes. There was only one employee there and two other members so it was quiet and unimposing. I liked it.

After that first workout, I filled out the paper work and for the first time wrote Diabetic in the health questions. Bummer. The cost is $35 a month with a one year contract and the contract is super inexpensive to break. I can't really afford not to do it at this point. I'm sure that I will need a full year to get to where I feel like I can go to a normal gym again.

As for my diet this past week, I have cut all simple carbs. There has been no bread or refined sugar and limited amounts of natural sugar. My daily breakfast of peanut butter toast has been replaced by a scrambled egg w/ salsa and all of my other meals have simply been reduced. I did buy some sugar free ice cream to end the day with....... just a small scoop with nothing on it, but at this point, it feels like a total indulgence.

I lost seven pounds last week.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Not a Big Surprise ~ Definitely a Big Bummer

On Tuesday August 23, I got the call from my doctor. It wasn't a huge shock to hear her say that I am indeed Type II Diabetic but it did indeed illicit feelings of failure and doom that I wasn't prepared for. Honestly, my doctor isn't always too on top of things and I would guess if she really scoured my chart, we would find that I have been diabetic for at least a year.

My mom was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes about five years before she died. She was in her late sixties. I remember it well. She went through training with a Diabetes specialist and a nutritionist. She dropped quite a bit of poundage but she refused to exercise. I think she bought some shoes to exercise in but that was about as far as it went. My mom died relatively young with every organ in her body (except her heart, oddly) unhealthy. I have been feeling like death for some time now. I am often consumed with the feeling that my life will end soon. My weight is my giant.

So. I am faced with quite a few emotions. I have completely accepted the fact that I have been a horrible steward of the body that I have been given. I have failed. I am a statistic. I am so sad about what I have done to myself. I realize that it does not matter what I tell my daughters. It matters what I show them. They will learn from my example, not my words, as I did from my mother. It really didn't matter that she didn't feed me the Oreo with butter on top. I watched her savor it and learned to comfort myself with food long before I actually did it. No. I don't eat Oreos with butter but she did.... Double Stuff at that.

Mixing with my sadness is anger. Why wasn't I important enough to myself to deal with the situation? Too lazy? Really? I don't think so. I am not lazy. Tired, not lazy. WHY? I'm kind of pissed at the Hubs. It's not his responsibility to take care of me but couldn't he have said, 'okay, we're joining a gym.' or 'how about if I take the girls to the pool three nights a week so you can have some time to yourself?' I usually feel sorry for him because he does have a fat wife. I'm fairly sure that he not only has to endure having a fat wife but he faces some social ramifications for having a fat wife as well and that's a bummer. I'm just mad and I think he's going to have to share in that a bit.

My doctor is fairly grace filled so she did tell me that she would give me 30 days to diet and exercise (before she writes FIVE prescriptions) to see if I can get my blood sugar under control on my own. (Note: This is where she usually looses track because I don't come back in for a year) I don't know that I even know what that means anymore so I did ask her what my modified diet should look like. "No carbs." Okay. That seems simple enough until I realized that sugar is like poison to my body and everything besides protein and fat turns to sugar.

The good doctor also said to exercise....... everyday. Really? I haven't been able to make time for exercise everyday for eight years. We don't have money for a gym membership and quite honestly, there is no way that I am going to put the Littles into childcare at a gym so that I can work out. It took me about five hours to work through my excuses about not working out and two of those hours I was crying about having the Fat Disease. I realize that we have to pull the money from somewhere or the Hubs will be paying for a nanny in a few years. I realize that I have to make the time now or I will never get to see what my children achieve with all of their time sucking activities.

I went for a walk with the teenager that night that the doctor called, after I dried my tears and waded through the pitty pool. It was hot out. We walked about two and a half miles and I literally thought I was in hell. I explained to my svelte, athletically fit child that I was carrying a little more with me on our walk and that it was hard for my legs to make the journey. She offered to carry Bubba on her back to make it even. It might be even if she carried Bubba on her back, Princess D on her front and a dog under each arm.

The next day I went to Curves. I liked it. It was doable although I did sweat more than the women twenty years older than I. Today will be day three of a free week trial period and then I will have to sign a one year contract. I figure if I can go everyday before the girls get up, I can make it work. It's $35.00 a month which probably doesn't seem like a lot but in some ways it is. We will make it work. There's really no choice at this point.

I'm getting excited to see what I can do in a month but a bit overwhelmed at what I need to achieve and maintain for the rest of my life. I just keep telling myself that it's better than not having the rest of my life. That makes me sad.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Maybe going cold turkey on every digestible evil wasn't the best idea. I fell asleep last night at 9:00 as the Hubs was giving me the blow by blow of his boss' psycho boss. I didn't make it to the treadmill and it's probably not looking good for today either. I was faithful to my diet today but 28 days is seemimg like a really long time. No chocolate on Valentine's Day, really?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I have a headache and I want to go to sleep. Nothing like a little dietary detox to make you just feel like crap!!!!!! I did make it through Day 1 and other than a couple of difficult moments, it wasn't too bad. I ate about 1,400 calories yesterday so I never felt hungry. They were all healthy calories. No refined sugars, preservatives, fillers, artificial colors or even meat. I don't think that there is anything wrong with meat but for these 28 days, I think I'll avoid it.

I dusted off the treadmill after dinner last night and lucky for me, The Biggest Loser was on so I watched that as I endured my twenty minutes. Nothing more motivating than watching a bunch of really fat people and realizing that they're smaller than you. The treadmill did hurt though. My knees and hips were feeling the burden of carrying me. I will never understand how the people on TBL make it through those grueling work-outs. It seems like they would just have heart attacks and die in the first ten minutes. Seriously, those workouts are hard for skinny people. How does someone who's carrying 200 extra pounds on their back do that????

I did wake up this morning feeling hungry. Fortunately, I had some left over steel cut oats in the fridge that I could heat up.

I know that I am going to feel better soon but right now I would really like a big cup of coffee with a lot of sugar and half & half in it followed by a nap or following a nap. Either order would be great!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Here We Go Again....

Well, I snuck a burger that turned into a burger & fries which turned into a burger, fries & an Oreo shake which turned into a seven month cycle of cravings, indulgence and guilt. Bummer. I would love to tell you that every last morsle of scumptious high calorie comfort was worth it but I've reached that point that I am not even enjoying my sins. Nope. Even though I am craving chocolate as I type, I get little satisfaction as I cave to the craving.

I have managed to gain back 20 of the pound that I had lost. I am once again not exercising and totally isolating myself. I am convinced for the most part that there is really no way anyone could want me around as I am. I'm not sad or mad. Don't misunderstand. I am usually pretty happy. I am simply isolated but I can be joyful in my lonliness.

I have started to think that every pain in my 245 pound body is a sign of impending death. That's probably a little on the loopy side..... or maybe not. I am off my thyroid medication (which could cause some insanity in it's self) but I don't want to go see my doctor because I don't want her to see me like this.

So, what am I going to do about my current state? I am thinking four weeks of eating clean and walking everyday. After 28 days, I'll call my doctor. Hopefully, that should be long enough to feel hopeful again and not so completely defeated. Today is the first day of February, so my goal will be to eat clean, exercise (at least 20 minutes on the treadmill) everyday, drop ten pounds and blog everyday for the duration of the month. It's only 28 days, right?