Friday, January 15, 2016

when you lose fifty pounds

Depending which scale I step on, I've lost either 57 pounds or 49 pounds. Either way, it's close enough to fifty pounds for me to make a few observations.
  1. I'm not as skinny as I feel. Being down fifty pounds is amazing. I haven't been this size in ten years and when I was last this size, I was pregnant. I doubt anything felt amazingly small. I can see bones and feel curves that were long forgotten.
  2. All of my clothes are too big.... except the ones I can't fit into yet.
  3. Even my underwear is about to be replaced for the second time.
  4. I can wear shoes, real shoes other than athletic shoes and Danskos.
  5. I often feel like I am living for my next meal. I love my food. I plan it out, every last flipping calorie, sometimes days in advance. Get away from it. Take any of it and we will be on bad terms for an irrationally long time.
  6. My youngest child has not only not noticed that I have lost weight, she has not noticed that I am trying to lose weight.
  7. My middle child does not care about the risk, she steals my food.
  8. My oldest daughter thinks that you are not in real sizes until you wear a size 12.
  9. My other oldest daughter watches everything and comments on nothing.
  10. Losing weight is really hard. It's painful. There is a constant barrage of "quick and simple" weight loss plans. The truth is that losing weight is grueling. There is no magic bullet. If there was, we would find out in ten years that it kills people. Think Fen Phen.
  11. People try to minimize the agony. They say things like, "This hasn't been that hard." or "The pounds have really just fallen off." No! It sucks and that's why most people don't make it six weeks on a plan that is both effective and sustainable.
  12. My entire life has become about losing weight and I'm totally okay with that. Those that are not should tread lightly or we might also be on bad terms for an irrationally long time.
  13. Most people do not notice that I have lost weight. It's kind of weird and it makes me wonder if they have ever noticed anything about me.
  14. Some people don't recognize me because of the weight I have lost. Actually, that has only happened once but it was way better than the people that don't notice the facet that I have dropped six sizes.
  15. Some people can't imagine that I will be small when I am done with this year of torture.
  16. I really like vegetables. Fortunately for me, Weight Watchers considers most veggies to be "free foods". I eat a lot of salads and stir-fry.
  17. I'm secretly  happy when I see people fatter than myself. I know that's horrible but give me a little grace. There was a lot of years that just didn't happen.
  18. Diet soda may be as bad for me as smoking but it is less addictive. As soon as this year of torture is over, I will stop drinking them again. In the mean time, they are zero calories and often get e through from one meal to the next.
  19. Diet is more important than exercise when it comes to losing weight but moving your body is a great weight loss tool. You should move it as much as possible.
  20. I've lost a whole bunch of weight but I'm not even half way done. I'm just five months into my year. I'm still obese. I still weigh over 200 pounds.
  21. I spend most of my time in denial about number 20.
#weightloss #weightwatchers #yearoftorture

Monday, January 4, 2016

thinking is easier than doing

I keep thinking that I should be journaling this journey of mine yet somehow I can't manage to make it happen. I spend endless hours sitting at my computer but the commitment that it takes to write more than a quippy Facebook post seems to much.

I started dieting again last August about a month after my doctor decided that giving me her long term projection for my health was pointless past five years. That was a low moment. I didn't feel fat or at least not that fat. I was just tired all the time and had a lot of headaches. Oh and my knees hurt all the time and I had developed gout at the age of 45. I sweat profusely and literally had no energy to deal with everyday life. I had developed some psoriasis and boils but overall I was good. I was good except that my blood sugar wasn't under control and I had a hard time standing for long periods of time due to a horrible pain in my side when I tried undoubtedly caused by my very fat liver.

 I really didn't feel THAT fat.  I didn't think I was facing my mortality fat or maybe I did. I thought about death a lot. I was pretty sure I had cancer or heart disease or both. The pain in my side was a constant worry but I didn't go to the doctor about it, none of it. I knew that my general MD would treat the problem and send me on my way or tell me there was nothing to do for what ails me. Doctors never said, "You're killing yourself." They just prescribe something to fix the symptom of a much greater condition. This Endocrinologist was different. She let me know that 10 years from now wasn't worth discussing because if I didn't change, I wouldn't be there. She let me know that she knew it is hard but that it needed to be done and the only way to do it is to change what I eat. She wasn't mean. She was honest.

So why wait a month to get started on trying to save my life? My daughter was heading to the LL World Series and the Hubs was a coach on the team. I had volunteer responsibilities that needed my attention more than my mortality did and..........

And there is a big part of my problem. Procrastination. Putting everything else before my health. It's not really because I'm super generous with my time although it may seem that way. It's more because I was in a dark cloud of depression, overwhelmed with all that I seemed to have lost control of. Well that and that I'm lazy. So, even though I volunteer over a thousand hours a year and run programs and events and do all sorts of great things, I think I was working hard ignore all that I have lose over the years.

The World Series ended and I returned home to face the results of my last set of labs. I made the rational decision to start using the Weight Watchers Ap that I have been paying for every month for the past year and a half and sits on the home screen of my phone unused. My doctor said that if I could just lose twenty pounds, it would really improve my overall health. I was 255 pounds when I started and now four and a half months later, I am hovering around 215. My next doctor's appointment is less than a month away and quite honestly, it is probably the most important date on my calendar. I feel great. I can't wait to see if my body and mind are on the same page.
#health #weightloss #daybyday #weightwatchers

Monday, December 12, 2011

Swim Meet Weekend

Spending twenty-four hours at a pool in one weekend can really only be described as painful, really, really, really painful. It's the kind of painful that makes you wonder if you are going to be able to stand after you finally sit. It's the kind of painful that makes everything else seem a little surreal after you finally leave the swim center. But four times of year, the girls' swim team hosts a meet and I run concessions and ultimately endure the pain out of love and duty.

This past weekend was probably the hardest meet we have ever hosted which actually may have been a good thing because I was so painfully incoherent last night that I went to bed at 8:00 and slept ten and a half hours. I woke up feeling great!! I probably feel better than I did before the meet started! Last swim meet took me a good week to recover from

No weight gained..... maybe even a little lost and I plan to work out this afternoon. Woo hoo. Here's to sleep!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

To obsess or not to obsess?

Yes. that is the question.

I lost weight over the week of Thanksgiving. Three pounds. I worked out four days and was totally aware of everything I ingested. I worried before my family arrived. I blogged. I planned. I made myself very aware of potential pitfalls and planned for small indulgences. I lost three pounds.

The following week, the Hubs went to Japan. I had three, sometimes four kiddos with daily activities and a huge volunteer deadline looming over me for the upcoming weekend. I gained five pounds. I didn't spend the week eating junk but I wasn't thinking through every snack and meal. I didn't drink enough water. I didn't sleep enough. I didn't exercise enough. I didn't spend enough time thinking about my objective. I didn't obsess.

The Hubs is home now and the weight seems to have gone back down so it was mainly water. If I had continued on though, the weight would have stayed and I would have continued to gain. This brings me to my question. Is obsessing constantly over how you are taking care of your body, the only way to have a major weight loss? I know what I think but I often hear people saying that they won't do anything drastic. Or that they would never eliminate a food group. I've heard people say that they can't deviate their diets because of the stress it puts one their families. Friends have said that don't think it's healthy to be hungry. I remember a friend saying that she couldn't obsess about losing weight and my agreeing with her. She didn't have time for it to take that much of her life up. It all makes sense if you listen to the words just right but here's the deal.

Gaining a hundred pounds was drastic. The eating habits that got me to where I am today were nothing short of extreme. Yes, I have a thyroid problem and my metabolism is not what it once was but that is a direct result of  my weight gain. Balance is great and if I had always been able to maintain balance, my body wouldn't be getting sick from certain foods. The fact that I gorged on sugars and carbs has made my body attack itself and now I am better without them. (of course I believe we'd all be better off without simple carbs but I alays think everyone should be doing what I'm doing) Hunger pains last for eleven minutes and can usually be alleviated with a glass of water. When I wasn't obsessing about losing weight, I was fairly obsessed about my mortality. I spent countless moments each day thinking about what was causing my headaches, side aches or bloody noses. I would think about what my children were leaning from me. I would think each day about all that I couldn't do with my family. I obsessed about my largesqueness,

So, when I weigh the pros and cons on obsessing about my losing weight, I have to say that obsession  seems to be the wise choice........

Sunday, November 27, 2011


Disclaimer: I love my friend that I am posting about.

Monday morning I stopped by one of my very favorite friend's houses to pick up the beautiful center piece she made me for Thanksgiving. I hadn't seen her in a while but I didn't really think she would notice that I have lost weight. We've been friends for a lot of years and it wouldn't be like her to notice.

When I got there she was getting her hair done. We use the same gal. We were chatting as she got her hair done and they started talking about the diet my friend, D.,  has been on. they both said it was AMAZING and that D. had shrunk quickly. Mind you, I have never seen D. bigger than a size four and she is usually smaller than that. She has always exercised and has done every diet and fast known to man.

When I asked what the diet was, D. responded that it is called the Superhuman Diet. I have since looked up the Superhuman Diet online and couldn't find it but here's is the gist of it. Eat only veggies and lean protein and nothing processed...... except for one Diet Coke a day. Now fruit, dairy or grains. The biggest dealio though is that you have to take a cold shower twice a day. Apparently, the cold shower is horrific. I can imagine.

I've lost close to thirty-five pounds. I do eat dairy and fruit....... no grains, but warm showers. I really love my warm showers. Hmmm, but nobody asked about what I'm eating. Pretty sure that I am sometimes completely invisible.

Monday, November 21, 2011

225 again....

I think it's been less than twelve hours since I said I probably wouldn't post again until after Thanksgiving but here I am anyway! I got on the scale this morning and I had finally reached 225 again. A few things are going through my mind as I hit this milestone weight.

First, it's probably not as big of a milestone as the last time I hit it. I had creeped past 250 pounds so 25 pounds is no longer a ten percent weight loss. It's more than ten percent which is a good thing but it doesn't really feel good because it means that I had gained even more weight over the past couple of years.

It's been a year and a half since I last weighed 225. It was when I reached this goal before that I cheated once, twice, a million times before it wasn't cheating any more. I read yesterday that it takes our bodies about a year to recover from dieting. Calorie restriction leads to our metabolism getting all wacky and that the urge to gorge intensifies after a little slip. Seems about right, doesn't it?

Quite honestly, I probably weighed 220-225 when D. was born so I haven't weighed less than this in five and a half years. That's a tad intimidating. So now I face the food holiday armed with the knowledge that I am at a historically weak point. If I want to be successful, this is not a good time to have sausage dressing, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie with a mountain of whipped cream on top!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

best diet tip ever...........

I am a fan of the Nutrition Diva on Facebook and if you're not you should be. She rocks. Always makes sense and calls things out the way they are not what the medical community or government wants you to believe. I haven't read any of her books or listened to her podcasts but I find the articles and research information that she posts on Facebook interesting.

I just scoured her page looking for an article that I read last week about ho we lose weight evenly throughout our body and the shape we are fat is the same shape we are skinny except on a different scale. There are always exercises or routines touted to shrink a certain spot but the truth is, the only way to shrink a specific spot more than others is to have it surgically removed. Anyway, I couldn't find that article but I found another with the best advice I have ever heard.

The trick to losing weight is to start at the finish line. Or in other words start with the end in mind. First you have to think about why you want to lose weight and what you will do when the weight is lost. How will you maintain your weight loss? What will you eat? I know that my goal weight is 140 pounds. To maintain that, I will have to eat between 1,800 and 2,100 calories a day and exercise 4-5 hours a week with moderate intensity. I can imagine myself having yogurt and blueberries every morning, a salad for lunch and a protein, veggies and fruit for dinner with a delightful bowl of ice cream for dessert after my kiddos have gone to bed. I can totally do all of this now. I imagine myself running three miles a day and swimming a couple of times a week as well. I think Zumba would be fun. I can't run yet. At least not very far. I made it about a block today but I can swim and I can try Zumba.

I guess it's really just another twist on the 'not a diet but a lifestyle change' line but it seemed to work better for me.\

Happy Thanksgiving. I doubt I'll write again before the big diet buster day. I am thankful for so many things but this year I am going to really focus on my ability to make choices. I am thankful that I can choose not to eat myself to oblivion and still enjoy the holiday with my family.