Thursday, October 27, 2011

So not good.....

I haven't worked out in five days. The girls had a swim meet this past weekend and I couldn't make it work. On Monday I was just soooo tired and I digress from there. I haven't broken my diet but I'm not feeling so great and this morning I got the mother of all bloody noses. It did seem to alleviate some pressure from my ear but I'm sure my doctor would say that's impossible. Hmmm.

I must work out today........

Monday, October 24, 2011

Missing Her

Today would have been my mother's 77th birthday. I miss her so much that I don't think I will ever feel complete again. I don't really ever get to talk about the hollow feeling I often have since she died because quite honestly, I am not that close to any of my friends any more. It's kind of ironic since before her death, she made it quite known when I was spending too much time with my friends and not enough with her. (Yes. I was in my late thirties but she was lonely after my dad died and rather vocal about my obligation to fill her void.) I could share things with her that I couldn't with anyone else. Her love was unconditional. Those words mean so much more when it's gone.

She so hated that I was fat. I've probably talked about this before. It was one of the only things that I couldn't talk to her about because she showed no grace or mercy. She was painfully critical which was funny because she had gained some weight in her forties and beyond. The day she died, I remember asking her how she could leave before I was skinny again. It was that important to her. Granted, she was unconscious so I guess that question will have to go unanswered.

A little more irony, she died five years after being diagnosed with Diabetes. She died from a few different things, mainly pulmonary issues, but she couldn't have survived any operation because her liver was so severely damaged.

Happy birthday mother. I miss you so. As I sit here, I am looking at your picture with Midge when she was about five years old........ at her papa's memorial service. I wish you could see her now. She's lovely. We'll talk about you tonight. I will cry. We all will laugh at things you may or may not have found humorous. I will skip the chocolate cake in your honor. Cheers Mumzy.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

So I went back to the doctor.....

I went in on Thursday morning to get the results of my blood draw. I guess it was a good visit but I wouldn't say that I left all warm and fuzzy. My blood sugar is under control but my liver function test were not good and showed no improvement from before.

I have had a CAT scan on my liver (four years ago) and an ultra sound two years ago. I know that I have fat on my liver and that I am at risk for Fatty Liver Disease. Yes..... that's really what it's called. There's Fatty Liver Disease brought on by alcohol consumption or it can be caused by obesity. I almost never drink and I haven't drunk in excess for fifteen years so it's obviously because of my girth. I don't really understand if it will go away as I lose weight and I will heal or if I have a problem that I won't be able to will away.

My doctor did seem pretty concerned. She reviewed my chart more than she ever has before and was about to order an ultra sound but decided to wait another 60-90 days. I totally love a challenge but I don't see how there will be improvement if there wasn't in the past thirty days of my stellar behavior.

On a total side note. I get a little excited thinking about going back in thirty days because I should be under 200 pounds. Can you imagine? Of course you can. It's pretty hard for me though. It's been six years. It's fun to think about but really I can't imagine losing all of that off my body any more than I can imagine having gained it.

My doctor was pretty clear to let me know that working out half an hour six times a week is not going to be enough and that I have to be doing a full hour of cardio four times a week. That was a bummer. Now I have to find something. I don't know what yet. She thought I should start running. That really doesn't seem like a safe prospect to me. I would probably knock myself out with some body part bouncing out of place. It would not be good. Not good at all.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

First benefit of shrinking

I went to church today without the hubs and decided to sit somewhere besides our normal spot. Our church has a big auditorium with stadium seating. We usually sit in one of the first few rows for several reasons. One is that it helps make the church seem a little smaller and more personal. Another reason is that the seats are larger in the front rows and get smaller the further back you wander.

Today, I sat in one of the smaller seats.................. and I didn't pour into the next seat! I could barely sit in the larger chairs a month ago without getting too warm and feeling like I was way too close to the person in the next seat which was usually the hubs. I always loved when one of the Littles stayed in service so I could sit next to her and get some air space. I sat next to a stranger today and was pleased not to make contact or feel like she was leaning away from me. Woo Hoo!

I weighed in at Curves yesterday and was measured. I didn't do it at the beginning of the month so the calculations are mine, not there's, but I have lost fifteen pounds and five inches off my waist since I started on August 24th. That does give me a little extra room in the chair. I just noticed last week that on the wall at the Curves I attend, there is a list of the Top 10 Losers for every month. I realize that this probably isn't meant to be a competition (or maybe it is) but I can find motivation in most competitions so I will definitely be benefiting from this one! I fully intend to be at the top of that list for the next nine months.

I am going in for my blood draw tomorrow morning. I'm praying with all my heart that all of my numbers show improvement and that I don't need to go on medications.