Monday, October 24, 2011

Missing Her

Today would have been my mother's 77th birthday. I miss her so much that I don't think I will ever feel complete again. I don't really ever get to talk about the hollow feeling I often have since she died because quite honestly, I am not that close to any of my friends any more. It's kind of ironic since before her death, she made it quite known when I was spending too much time with my friends and not enough with her. (Yes. I was in my late thirties but she was lonely after my dad died and rather vocal about my obligation to fill her void.) I could share things with her that I couldn't with anyone else. Her love was unconditional. Those words mean so much more when it's gone.

She so hated that I was fat. I've probably talked about this before. It was one of the only things that I couldn't talk to her about because she showed no grace or mercy. She was painfully critical which was funny because she had gained some weight in her forties and beyond. The day she died, I remember asking her how she could leave before I was skinny again. It was that important to her. Granted, she was unconscious so I guess that question will have to go unanswered.

A little more irony, she died five years after being diagnosed with Diabetes. She died from a few different things, mainly pulmonary issues, but she couldn't have survived any operation because her liver was so severely damaged.

Happy birthday mother. I miss you so. As I sit here, I am looking at your picture with Midge when she was about five years old........ at her papa's memorial service. I wish you could see her now. She's lovely. We'll talk about you tonight. I will cry. We all will laugh at things you may or may not have found humorous. I will skip the chocolate cake in your honor. Cheers Mumzy.

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