Well, I snuck a burger that turned into a burger & fries which turned into a burger, fries & an Oreo shake which turned into a seven month cycle of cravings, indulgence and guilt. Bummer. I would love to tell you that every last morsle of scumptious high calorie comfort was worth it but I've reached that point that I am not even enjoying my sins. Nope. Even though I am craving chocolate as I type, I get little satisfaction as I cave to the craving.
I have managed to gain back 20 of the pound that I had lost. I am once again not exercising and totally isolating myself. I am convinced for the most part that there is really no way anyone could want me around as I am. I'm not sad or mad. Don't misunderstand. I am usually pretty happy. I am simply isolated but I can be joyful in my lonliness.
I have started to think that every pain in my 245 pound body is a sign of impending death. That's probably a little on the loopy side..... or maybe not. I am off my thyroid medication (which could cause some insanity in it's self) but I don't want to go see my doctor because I don't want her to see me like this.
So, what am I going to do about my current state? I am thinking four weeks of eating clean and walking everyday. After 28 days, I'll call my doctor. Hopefully, that should be long enough to feel hopeful again and not so completely defeated. Today is the first day of February, so my goal will be to eat clean, exercise (at least 20 minutes on the treadmill) everyday, drop ten pounds and blog everyday for the duration of the month. It's only 28 days, right?
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