Every morning for nearly two weeks now, I have woken up with these words, 'Take this heart and make it new' going through my head. It's from a song that I love but only this line plays and re-plays in my head and I love the entire song. This morning I felt compelled to really pick it apart and it's application to my life.
I've always thought of the words as a request to be a better person; change my heart and make it more like Christ. (It's a worship song if you're not familiar with it) This morning I started thinking about how much my heart has to change to lose weight. It's so easy to calculate, estimate and plan accordingly. If I eat this much for this long, I should reach my goal. Sticking to the plan isn't necessarily a matter of self control though. I think it's more a matter of submission.
I quit smoking twelve years ago. It was a birthday present to my now thirteen year old daughter. I had tried several times before and failed. Not realizing how hard it was going to be to quit, I ended up spending my daughter's birthday (and most of the following week)curled up on the couch. I cried a lot and tried to think of nothing because everything that came to mind could be associated with smoking. As time passed, the pain eased and I developed new habits. I gained sixty pounds.
It's a rare occurrence but I do still crave a cigarette every now and then. I know that if I have one, there is a good chance that I will smoke again. That's the deal with addiction. Once I cross a certain line, my head starts convoluting the reality of the situation. Instead of thinking I don't want to smoke because it's smelly, unhealthy and would undoubtedly lead to the end of my marriage, I start thinking about how I can have just one more and nobody would ever know.
I think I may have a similar relationship with food. I haven't been curled up in a ball, crying these last couple of weeks but I have definitely had some hard moments. I can see all the benefits of losing weight and I can plan with anticipation, but when I start thinking about that bowl of ice cream at night or I am faced with my daughter's half eaten yummy, I am literally anguished. So often I opt for that instant gratification.
There is no doubt that changing habits, quitting additions, facing our demons gets harder as we get older. Hopefully I will continue to wake every morning with this song in my head. Hopefully, I can submit and realize that my urges to indulge keep me from realizing my goal. Hopefully, I can remember when faced with temptation, that I not someone who can cheat just a little bit.
Take this heart and make it new..............