when you lose fifty pounds

Depending which scale I step on, I've lost either 57 pounds or 49 pounds. Either way, it's close enough to fifty pounds for me to make a few observations.

1. I'm not as skinny as I feel. Being down fifty pounds is amazing. I haven't been this size in ten years and when I was last this size, I was pregnant. I doubt anything felt amazingly small. I can see bones and feel curves that were long forgotten.
2. All of my clothes are too big.... except the ones I can't fit into yet.
3. Even my underwear is about to be replaced for the second time.
4. I can wear shoes, real shoes other than athletic shoes and Danskos.
5. I often feel like I am living for my next meal. I love my food. I plan it out, every last flipping calorie, sometimes days in advance. Get away from it. Take any of it and we will be on bad terms for an irrationally long time.
6. My youngest child has not only not noticed that I have lost weight, she has not noticed that I am trying to lose weight.
7. My middle child does not care about the risk, she steals my food.
8. My oldest daughter thinks that you are not in real sizes until you wear a size 12.
9. My other oldest daughter watches everything and comments on nothing.
10. Losing weight is really hard. It's painful. There is a constant barrage of "quick and simple" weight loss plans. The truth is that losing weight is grueling. There is no magic bullet. If there was, we would find out in ten years that it kills people. Think Fen Phen.
11. People try to minimize the agony. They say things like, "This hasn't been that hard." or "The pounds have really just fallen off." No! It sucks and that's why most people don't make it six weeks on a plan that is both effective and sustainable.
12. My entire life has become about losing weight and I'm totally okay with that. Those that are not should tread lightly or we might also be on bad terms for an irrationally long time.
13. Most people do not notice that I have lost weight. It's kind of weird and it makes me wonder if they have ever noticed anything about me.
14. Some people don't recognize me because of the weight I have lost. Actually, that has only happened once but it was way better than the people that don't notice the facet that I have dropped six sizes.
15. Some people can't imagine that I will be small when I am done with this year of torture.
16. I really like vegetables. Fortunately for me, Weight Watchers considers most veggies to be "free foods". I eat a lot of salads and stir-fry.
17. I'm secretly  happy when I see people fatter than myself. I know that's horrible but give me a little grace. There was a lot of years that just didn't happen.
18. Diet soda may be as bad for me as smoking but it is less addictive. As soon as this year of torture is over, I will stop drinking them again. In the mean time, they are zero calories and often get e through from one meal to the next.
19. Diet is more important than exercise when it comes to losing weight but moving your body is a great weight loss tool. You should move it as much as possible.
20. I've lost a whole bunch of weight but I'm not even half way done. I'm just five months into my year. I'm still obese. I still weigh over 200 pounds.
21. I spend most of my time in denial about number 20.

#weightloss #weightwatchers #yearoftorture

thinking is easier than doing

I keep thinking that I should be journaling this journey of mine yet somehow I can't manage to make it happen. I spend endless hours sitting at my computer but the commitment that it takes to write more than a quippy Facebook post seems to much.

I started dieting again last August about a month after my doctor decided that giving me her long term projection for my health was pointless past five years. That was a low moment. I didn't feel fat or at least not that fat. I was just tired all the time and had a lot of headaches. Oh and my knees hurt all the time and I had developed gout at the age of 45. I sweat profusely and literally had no energy to deal with everyday life. I had developed some psoriasis and boils but overall I was good. I was good except that my blood sugar wasn't under control and I had a hard time standing for long periods of time due to a horrible pain in my side when I tried undoubtedly caused by my very fat liver.

 I really didn't feel THAT fat.  I didn't think I was facing my mortality fat or maybe I did. I thought about death a lot. I was pretty sure I had cancer or heart disease or both. The pain in my side was a constant worry but I didn't go to the doctor about it, none of it. I knew that my general MD would treat the problem and send me on my way or tell me there was nothing to do for what ails me. Doctors never said, "You're killing yourself." They just prescribe something to fix the symptom of a much greater condition. This Endocrinologist was different. She let me know that 10 years from now wasn't worth discussing because if I didn't change, I wouldn't be there. She let me know that she knew it is hard but that it needed to be done and the only way to do it is to change what I eat. She wasn't mean. She was honest.

So why wait a month to get started on trying to save my life? My daughter was heading to the LL World Series and the Hubs was a coach on the team. I had volunteer responsibilities that needed my attention more than my mortality did and..........

And there is a big part of my problem. Procrastination. Putting everything else before my health. It's not really because I'm super generous with my time although it may seem that way. It's more because I was in a dark cloud of depression, overwhelmed with all that I seemed to have lost control of. Well that and that I'm lazy. So, even though I volunteer over a thousand hours a year and run programs and events and do all sorts of great things, I think I was working hard ignore all that I have lose over the years.

The World Series ended and I returned home to face the results of my last set of labs. I made the rational decision to start using the Weight Watchers Ap that I have been paying for every month for the past year and a half and sits on the home screen of my phone unused. My doctor said that if I could just lose twenty pounds, it would really improve my overall health. I was 255 pounds when I started and now four and a half months later, I am hovering around 215. My next doctor's appointment is less than a month away and quite honestly, it is probably the most important date on my calendar. I feel great. I can't wait to see if my body and mind are on the same page.
#health #weightloss #daybyday #weightwatchers