It was a week ago today that I found out I was Diabetic. It's been a week of adaptations, changes and a little depression but overall, it's all been for the best.
After my painful walk with the teenager, I realized that was something I would not be able to maintain for long. It hurt and I'm not one to do outdoor activities in crappy weather. We do own a really nice treadmill but it's in the garage and I don't like being in the garage for more than the minute it takes to leave the house. So, committing to the treadmill for the winter would be like setting myself up for failure. Nope, the whole walking thing, undoubtedly the easiest exercise known to man, was too hard for me to manage. That's when I thought of Curves.
I hopped on their website and saw a pass for a free week. When I got there the next day, I remembered that I had used a Free Week Pass at another location a few years back. I hadn't joined because I didn't think I could afford it. With this in my head, I did begin to worry. It didn't say anywhere on the website what the cost was. I did my first free workout. It was totally doable and my heart rate was elevated for the full thirty minutes. There was only one employee there and two other members so it was quiet and unimposing. I liked it.
After that first workout, I filled out the paper work and for the first time wrote Diabetic in the health questions. Bummer. The cost is $35 a month with a one year contract and the contract is super inexpensive to break. I can't really afford not to do it at this point. I'm sure that I will need a full year to get to where I feel like I can go to a normal gym again.
As for my diet this past week, I have cut all simple carbs. There has been no bread or refined sugar and limited amounts of natural sugar. My daily breakfast of peanut butter toast has been replaced by a scrambled egg w/ salsa and all of my other meals have simply been reduced. I did buy some sugar free ice cream to end the day with....... just a small scoop with nothing on it, but at this point, it feels like a total indulgence.
I lost seven pounds last week.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Not a Big Surprise ~ Definitely a Big Bummer
On Tuesday August 23, I got the call from my doctor. It wasn't a huge shock to hear her say that I am indeed Type II Diabetic but it did indeed illicit feelings of failure and doom that I wasn't prepared for. Honestly, my doctor isn't always too on top of things and I would guess if she really scoured my chart, we would find that I have been diabetic for at least a year.
My mom was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes about five years before she died. She was in her late sixties. I remember it well. She went through training with a Diabetes specialist and a nutritionist. She dropped quite a bit of poundage but she refused to exercise. I think she bought some shoes to exercise in but that was about as far as it went. My mom died relatively young with every organ in her body (except her heart, oddly) unhealthy. I have been feeling like death for some time now. I am often consumed with the feeling that my life will end soon. My weight is my giant.
So. I am faced with quite a few emotions. I have completely accepted the fact that I have been a horrible steward of the body that I have been given. I have failed. I am a statistic. I am so sad about what I have done to myself. I realize that it does not matter what I tell my daughters. It matters what I show them. They will learn from my example, not my words, as I did from my mother. It really didn't matter that she didn't feed me the Oreo with butter on top. I watched her savor it and learned to comfort myself with food long before I actually did it. No. I don't eat Oreos with butter but she did.... Double Stuff at that.
Mixing with my sadness is anger. Why wasn't I important enough to myself to deal with the situation? Too lazy? Really? I don't think so. I am not lazy. Tired, not lazy. WHY? I'm kind of pissed at the Hubs. It's not his responsibility to take care of me but couldn't he have said, 'okay, we're joining a gym.' or 'how about if I take the girls to the pool three nights a week so you can have some time to yourself?' I usually feel sorry for him because he does have a fat wife. I'm fairly sure that he not only has to endure having a fat wife but he faces some social ramifications for having a fat wife as well and that's a bummer. I'm just mad and I think he's going to have to share in that a bit.
My doctor is fairly grace filled so she did tell me that she would give me 30 days to diet and exercise (before she writes FIVE prescriptions) to see if I can get my blood sugar under control on my own. (Note: This is where she usually looses track because I don't come back in for a year) I don't know that I even know what that means anymore so I did ask her what my modified diet should look like. "No carbs." Okay. That seems simple enough until I realized that sugar is like poison to my body and everything besides protein and fat turns to sugar.
The good doctor also said to exercise....... everyday. Really? I haven't been able to make time for exercise everyday for eight years. We don't have money for a gym membership and quite honestly, there is no way that I am going to put the Littles into childcare at a gym so that I can work out. It took me about five hours to work through my excuses about not working out and two of those hours I was crying about having the Fat Disease. I realize that we have to pull the money from somewhere or the Hubs will be paying for a nanny in a few years. I realize that I have to make the time now or I will never get to see what my children achieve with all of their time sucking activities.
I went for a walk with the teenager that night that the doctor called, after I dried my tears and waded through the pitty pool. It was hot out. We walked about two and a half miles and I literally thought I was in hell. I explained to my svelte, athletically fit child that I was carrying a little more with me on our walk and that it was hard for my legs to make the journey. She offered to carry Bubba on her back to make it even. It might be even if she carried Bubba on her back, Princess D on her front and a dog under each arm.
The next day I went to Curves. I liked it. It was doable although I did sweat more than the women twenty years older than I. Today will be day three of a free week trial period and then I will have to sign a one year contract. I figure if I can go everyday before the girls get up, I can make it work. It's $35.00 a month which probably doesn't seem like a lot but in some ways it is. We will make it work. There's really no choice at this point.
I'm getting excited to see what I can do in a month but a bit overwhelmed at what I need to achieve and maintain for the rest of my life. I just keep telling myself that it's better than not having the rest of my life. That makes me sad.
My mom was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes about five years before she died. She was in her late sixties. I remember it well. She went through training with a Diabetes specialist and a nutritionist. She dropped quite a bit of poundage but she refused to exercise. I think she bought some shoes to exercise in but that was about as far as it went. My mom died relatively young with every organ in her body (except her heart, oddly) unhealthy. I have been feeling like death for some time now. I am often consumed with the feeling that my life will end soon. My weight is my giant.
So. I am faced with quite a few emotions. I have completely accepted the fact that I have been a horrible steward of the body that I have been given. I have failed. I am a statistic. I am so sad about what I have done to myself. I realize that it does not matter what I tell my daughters. It matters what I show them. They will learn from my example, not my words, as I did from my mother. It really didn't matter that she didn't feed me the Oreo with butter on top. I watched her savor it and learned to comfort myself with food long before I actually did it. No. I don't eat Oreos with butter but she did.... Double Stuff at that.
Mixing with my sadness is anger. Why wasn't I important enough to myself to deal with the situation? Too lazy? Really? I don't think so. I am not lazy. Tired, not lazy. WHY? I'm kind of pissed at the Hubs. It's not his responsibility to take care of me but couldn't he have said, 'okay, we're joining a gym.' or 'how about if I take the girls to the pool three nights a week so you can have some time to yourself?' I usually feel sorry for him because he does have a fat wife. I'm fairly sure that he not only has to endure having a fat wife but he faces some social ramifications for having a fat wife as well and that's a bummer. I'm just mad and I think he's going to have to share in that a bit.
My doctor is fairly grace filled so she did tell me that she would give me 30 days to diet and exercise (before she writes FIVE prescriptions) to see if I can get my blood sugar under control on my own. (Note: This is where she usually looses track because I don't come back in for a year) I don't know that I even know what that means anymore so I did ask her what my modified diet should look like. "No carbs." Okay. That seems simple enough until I realized that sugar is like poison to my body and everything besides protein and fat turns to sugar.
The good doctor also said to exercise....... everyday. Really? I haven't been able to make time for exercise everyday for eight years. We don't have money for a gym membership and quite honestly, there is no way that I am going to put the Littles into childcare at a gym so that I can work out. It took me about five hours to work through my excuses about not working out and two of those hours I was crying about having the Fat Disease. I realize that we have to pull the money from somewhere or the Hubs will be paying for a nanny in a few years. I realize that I have to make the time now or I will never get to see what my children achieve with all of their time sucking activities.
I went for a walk with the teenager that night that the doctor called, after I dried my tears and waded through the pitty pool. It was hot out. We walked about two and a half miles and I literally thought I was in hell. I explained to my svelte, athletically fit child that I was carrying a little more with me on our walk and that it was hard for my legs to make the journey. She offered to carry Bubba on her back to make it even. It might be even if she carried Bubba on her back, Princess D on her front and a dog under each arm.
The next day I went to Curves. I liked it. It was doable although I did sweat more than the women twenty years older than I. Today will be day three of a free week trial period and then I will have to sign a one year contract. I figure if I can go everyday before the girls get up, I can make it work. It's $35.00 a month which probably doesn't seem like a lot but in some ways it is. We will make it work. There's really no choice at this point.
I'm getting excited to see what I can do in a month but a bit overwhelmed at what I need to achieve and maintain for the rest of my life. I just keep telling myself that it's better than not having the rest of my life. That makes me sad.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
3/28
Maybe going cold turkey on every digestible evil wasn't the best idea. I fell asleep last night at 9:00 as the Hubs was giving me the blow by blow of his boss' psycho boss. I didn't make it to the treadmill and it's probably not looking good for today either. I was faithful to my diet today but 28 days is seemimg like a really long time. No chocolate on Valentine's Day, really?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
2/28
I have a headache and I want to go to sleep. Nothing like a little dietary detox to make you just feel like crap!!!!!! I did make it through Day 1 and other than a couple of difficult moments, it wasn't too bad. I ate about 1,400 calories yesterday so I never felt hungry. They were all healthy calories. No refined sugars, preservatives, fillers, artificial colors or even meat. I don't think that there is anything wrong with meat but for these 28 days, I think I'll avoid it.
I dusted off the treadmill after dinner last night and lucky for me, The Biggest Loser was on so I watched that as I endured my twenty minutes. Nothing more motivating than watching a bunch of really fat people and realizing that they're smaller than you. The treadmill did hurt though. My knees and hips were feeling the burden of carrying me. I will never understand how the people on TBL make it through those grueling work-outs. It seems like they would just have heart attacks and die in the first ten minutes. Seriously, those workouts are hard for skinny people. How does someone who's carrying 200 extra pounds on their back do that????
I did wake up this morning feeling hungry. Fortunately, I had some left over steel cut oats in the fridge that I could heat up.
I know that I am going to feel better soon but right now I would really like a big cup of coffee with a lot of sugar and half & half in it followed by a nap or following a nap. Either order would be great!
I dusted off the treadmill after dinner last night and lucky for me, The Biggest Loser was on so I watched that as I endured my twenty minutes. Nothing more motivating than watching a bunch of really fat people and realizing that they're smaller than you. The treadmill did hurt though. My knees and hips were feeling the burden of carrying me. I will never understand how the people on TBL make it through those grueling work-outs. It seems like they would just have heart attacks and die in the first ten minutes. Seriously, those workouts are hard for skinny people. How does someone who's carrying 200 extra pounds on their back do that????
I did wake up this morning feeling hungry. Fortunately, I had some left over steel cut oats in the fridge that I could heat up.
I know that I am going to feel better soon but right now I would really like a big cup of coffee with a lot of sugar and half & half in it followed by a nap or following a nap. Either order would be great!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Here We Go Again....
Well, I snuck a burger that turned into a burger & fries which turned into a burger, fries & an Oreo shake which turned into a seven month cycle of cravings, indulgence and guilt. Bummer. I would love to tell you that every last morsle of scumptious high calorie comfort was worth it but I've reached that point that I am not even enjoying my sins. Nope. Even though I am craving chocolate as I type, I get little satisfaction as I cave to the craving.
I have managed to gain back 20 of the pound that I had lost. I am once again not exercising and totally isolating myself. I am convinced for the most part that there is really no way anyone could want me around as I am. I'm not sad or mad. Don't misunderstand. I am usually pretty happy. I am simply isolated but I can be joyful in my lonliness.
I have started to think that every pain in my 245 pound body is a sign of impending death. That's probably a little on the loopy side..... or maybe not. I am off my thyroid medication (which could cause some insanity in it's self) but I don't want to go see my doctor because I don't want her to see me like this.
So, what am I going to do about my current state? I am thinking four weeks of eating clean and walking everyday. After 28 days, I'll call my doctor. Hopefully, that should be long enough to feel hopeful again and not so completely defeated. Today is the first day of February, so my goal will be to eat clean, exercise (at least 20 minutes on the treadmill) everyday, drop ten pounds and blog everyday for the duration of the month. It's only 28 days, right?
I have managed to gain back 20 of the pound that I had lost. I am once again not exercising and totally isolating myself. I am convinced for the most part that there is really no way anyone could want me around as I am. I'm not sad or mad. Don't misunderstand. I am usually pretty happy. I am simply isolated but I can be joyful in my lonliness.
I have started to think that every pain in my 245 pound body is a sign of impending death. That's probably a little on the loopy side..... or maybe not. I am off my thyroid medication (which could cause some insanity in it's self) but I don't want to go see my doctor because I don't want her to see me like this.
So, what am I going to do about my current state? I am thinking four weeks of eating clean and walking everyday. After 28 days, I'll call my doctor. Hopefully, that should be long enough to feel hopeful again and not so completely defeated. Today is the first day of February, so my goal will be to eat clean, exercise (at least 20 minutes on the treadmill) everyday, drop ten pounds and blog everyday for the duration of the month. It's only 28 days, right?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wednesday Weigh-In (week 11) ~ 224
This time last week it looked like I was headed for a big drop this week. I was super busy, walking and not eating. I think I had dropped three pounds between Wednesday and Friday. Then the weekend hit and I caved. I didn't give in to one little temptation. No. I ate crap all weekend long. I ate Jack-in -the-Box - no fries but I did enjoy a yummy Oreo milk shake at 780 calories. I just kept eating and eating. It was a little scary. I kept waiting for the Hubs to say something like, "Has Satan taken a stronghold over you because you seem to have lost your mind???????", but he didn't day say a word. He just watched me dish up my bowl of ice cream on Sunday night and smother it with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. Other than the ice cream, I don't even remember what I ate but I know it wasn't good. I do remember thinking that if I could come up with a miracle weight loss diet eating only ice cream, I'd be one happy millionaire.
Not surprisingly, Monday came and I had gained some poundage over the weekend. Bummer. So, back on the track (literally) I sprang and now, I am where I was this time last week.
I did go to see my doctor yesterday do review my most recent lab results and that was fairly rewarding. My bad cholesterol was down 30 points. My blood pressure was really low and my thyroid is now being over treated. My blood sugar is still borderline bad but I'm thinking that is going to improve. I convinced my doctor to not reduce my thyroid medication. I'm finally able to lose weight. Lowering my dosage would make it harder. She gave me 90 more days and if I test the same, she'll lower it. Here's to some serious weight loss over the next 90 days!
If you're wondering why everybody doesn't just pump up their thyroid in an attempt to lose weight and over medicate forever, it's not an unheard of idea. It's my understanding that it's done by a lot of people that need to be skinny for their professions. (ie. models and actresses) Unfortunately, it will mimic the effects of menopause and cause damage to organs and bone loss. Bummer.
I think that if I found time to write more, I could more easily avoid dietary breakdowns like last weekend. That was pretty ridiculous. Hopefully, I can redeem myself this week.
Not surprisingly, Monday came and I had gained some poundage over the weekend. Bummer. So, back on the track (literally) I sprang and now, I am where I was this time last week.
I did go to see my doctor yesterday do review my most recent lab results and that was fairly rewarding. My bad cholesterol was down 30 points. My blood pressure was really low and my thyroid is now being over treated. My blood sugar is still borderline bad but I'm thinking that is going to improve. I convinced my doctor to not reduce my thyroid medication. I'm finally able to lose weight. Lowering my dosage would make it harder. She gave me 90 more days and if I test the same, she'll lower it. Here's to some serious weight loss over the next 90 days!
If you're wondering why everybody doesn't just pump up their thyroid in an attempt to lose weight and over medicate forever, it's not an unheard of idea. It's my understanding that it's done by a lot of people that need to be skinny for their professions. (ie. models and actresses) Unfortunately, it will mimic the effects of menopause and cause damage to organs and bone loss. Bummer.
I think that if I found time to write more, I could more easily avoid dietary breakdowns like last weekend. That was pretty ridiculous. Hopefully, I can redeem myself this week.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday Weigh-In (week 10) ~ 224
It's Thursday today, not Wednesday but I did weigh myself yesterday and I had lost a pound. It was a crazy day as so many are and there was no time to post or for that matter eat.
Here's a review of Wednesday:
5:30 - Take Midge to the pool and walk 3.5 miles while she swims.
7:00 - Make the Big Guy's lunch, feed the girls, pack our lunches for the park and take a shower
7:45 - More little people arrive.
8:30 - Walk to the park (.75 miles) with the little people.
10:00 - Walk home (straight uphill) from the park & feed the girls a snack
10:45 - Leave for the little people's swimming lessons.
11:30 - Head to the water park with five kids in tow to meet other kids and watch them frolic.
3:00 - Arrive home and have give the girls pop cycles & then clean the girls up from the popsicles.
4:30 - Make dinner for the Big Guy and the girls.
5:00 - Head to church to help out with VBS.
8:45 - Go home to get Bubba's sleeping bag so she can camp out on the field at church with Midge and their friends.
9:45 - Home & on the couch with the Big Guy only for a minute before I realize I can't keep my eyes open anymore.
Did I mention that it was 95 degrees yesterday? Ahhh. This season of life will pass quickly and I will soon miss every busy minute of it........ but I WILL probably have more time to blog.
Here's a review of Wednesday:
5:30 - Take Midge to the pool and walk 3.5 miles while she swims.
7:00 - Make the Big Guy's lunch, feed the girls, pack our lunches for the park and take a shower
7:45 - More little people arrive.
8:30 - Walk to the park (.75 miles) with the little people.
10:00 - Walk home (straight uphill) from the park & feed the girls a snack
10:45 - Leave for the little people's swimming lessons.
11:30 - Head to the water park with five kids in tow to meet other kids and watch them frolic.
3:00 - Arrive home and have give the girls pop cycles & then clean the girls up from the popsicles.
4:30 - Make dinner for the Big Guy and the girls.
5:00 - Head to church to help out with VBS.
8:45 - Go home to get Bubba's sleeping bag so she can camp out on the field at church with Midge and their friends.
9:45 - Home & on the couch with the Big Guy only for a minute before I realize I can't keep my eyes open anymore.
Did I mention that it was 95 degrees yesterday? Ahhh. This season of life will pass quickly and I will soon miss every busy minute of it........ but I WILL probably have more time to blog.
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